


Trying My Best

by pastelsuperhero



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Patton is the Big Sad, also everyone is sympathetic, if you read this i'll love you forever and bake you cookies always, spoilers for the most recent episode (Putting Others First), there are no ships in this just friendships, they get into some fights but no one is unsympathetic, things get worse before they get better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:21:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 26,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24432022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pastelsuperhero/pseuds/pastelsuperhero
Summary: Unbeknownst to everyone, there are side effects to a slowly breaking heart.(Or: I suck at summaries and basically Patton is slowly getting weaker the more sad and lonely he is - which is a LOT after the most recent episode.)(Updates every day!)
Comments: 431
Kudos: 252





	1. Chapter 1

It started out small and barely noticeable. Even before their most recent video, Patton had been getting tired easier and more often. He’d go to bed earlier and wake up later – rinse and repeat. That hadn’t been a problem, really, with the tensions around the mind palace slowly getting higher and higher that Patton didn’t find himself being around his ‘fam-ILY’ nearly as often anymore, and especially not enough for anyone to notice any inconsistencies. So, really, it was fine.

He was fine.

After the newest video, however, everything skyrocketed – the tension between everyone, the lack of seeing one another, and Patton’s tiredness. Patton, however, wasn’t going to let that or anything else stand in his way of continuing to try. He’d be darned if he weren’t going to keep trying to talk to Roman again, to get Logan or Virgil out of their rooms, or, heck, even getting Janus and Remus to stay around longer and more often. He’d be darned if he weren’t going to try and make up for his mistakes. He’d be darned to let anything stop him from being the ‘Happy Pappy Patton’ he was supposed to and needed to be.

Of course, trying and achieving are two vastly different things.

Patton stood at the oven while mixing together some waffle batter for breakfast. Sure, no one’s been coming to any family meals recently, but Patton understood. They can’t _always_ eat together; Logan has work he needs to finish, Virgil hasn’t been hungry lately, and Roman… needed some time. When… _if_ he wanted to talk to Patton again, he would. Patton wasn’t going to force that. And, sure, maybe he’d woken up closer to lunch than breakfast, but that just meant that he could cook brunch instead! Just the thought of getting to cook everyone such a meal gave him the short burst of energy he needed to get started, and to where he is now.

He folded in the blueberries to Logan’s waffles as the timer for Virgil’s dinged. With a learned efficiency, Patton grabbed a plate and quickly took the waffle out, set it aside, and poured the other batter in. He flipped the waffle maker over with one hand while the other set Virgil’s plate next to Roman’s. Since Logan’s were the last to cook, this gave him a small break as he waited. He looked over at the other waffle stacks, letting his eyes trail up to the empty table, and back down to the full plates next to him.

All at once, any good feelings left him, and he felt his body deflate and shoulders slump. He had been excited to cook for everyone, but the glance at the table reminded him that no one was there. Sighing, he decided he should probably go ahead and put all this in the fridge once he finished so he didn’t waste anyone’s time. The food would be fresher that way. He’d write a happy note and leave it hanging from a magnet – that way Roman wouldn’t feel pressured to talk to him! Patton nodded his head with the finality of his decision right as the timer dinged again.

After scraping in the batter for the last waffle, Patton slowly started to clean up his mess. It felt strange, he decided, that seemingly all of his energy left with all his good feelings. Now instead of multitasking with the efficiency of someone who always cooked their family meals, he felt groggy and slow, as if his mind were trying to wade through water just to think. He cleaned on autopilot and thought about what he could do today.

Nothing came to mind.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but he knew it couldn’t have been very long. The water in the sink was running over the dishes he had dirtied and there was a burning smell. He stared at his hands in the sink, watching the water flow over them as his mind tried to place the smell – the waffles!

Patton quickly snapped out of it and took out Logan’s now burnt-on-the-bottom waffle. He dragged it to Logan’s plate and switched off the appliance, avoiding any future mishaps as much as possible. Turning to face the fridge, he double checked that every dirty dish was properly rinsed off. Once he checked it all off a mental list, he turned the tap water off and got out the whipped cream for the waffle tops.

First Virgil’s, with a cloud shape on top, including the best lightning bolt Patton could manage. Then Roman’s, with multiple small stars surrounding the big star in the middle. Patton gave a small smile as he imagined Roman as the big star, and himself and every other side were the small stars surrounding him. Lastly, Logan’s, which gave Patton pause.

He stared down at the stack. He had moved them to place the burnt one on the bottom.

Logan deserved better than a burnt waffle. Even if Patton was going to draw a smiley face on it.

Logan probably wouldn’t have even _liked_ it if Patton _had_ put a smiley face on it. Logan liked to be professional, even with his food choices.

But he couldn’t throw Logan’s stack away – that would mean excluding Logan from brunch completely. He knew he should just remake that waffle, but if he was being honest with himself, he just didn’t have the energy to do it again.

So, with frustrated tears he tried to deny were falling from his face, Patton shakily shaped a smiley face on the waffles.

He opened the fridge door, took out last night’s uneaten dinner and swapped it with today’s brunch. Tears still silently falling, he threw away the leftovers and found a nearby pen and pad of paper. He scrawled out a note, hoping the loopy writing and little doodles he added made one of them smile, and stuck it to the fridge.

His mind wandered as he stood there, now unmoving. After a few long moments, he realized he wasn’t actively crying anymore. Good! He moved his glasses to the top of his head as he rubbed his now dry eyes and reached into his pocket for his phone to check the time. An hour had passed since he awoke and started cooking.

Patton looked around the room. He knew he stood in the kitchen, and that it was time to eat – hence cooking the others some brunch – but he himself wasn’t hungry. There didn’t seem to be anything for him to do and making a decision as to what he _could_ do now seemed too… stressful. He didn’t know, and he didn’t want to dwell on it.

Really, he just felt tired. Like he had done a whole days’ worth of work and just got done, when in reality he’d been awake for an hour and cooked one meal. That surely wasn’t a lot – which then led him to feeling guilty for not being productive. This guilt was short lived, however, and was quickly replaced with more exhaustion. With his eyes getting heavier and his vision blurring, Patton turned down the hallway and headed back to his room.

Maybe a nap would help.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roman is grumpy in this chapter and the next chapter, and that combined with his recent emotions comes out a bit more... mean. He's not unsympathetic, just upset. I also want to reiterate that he has a right to be upset - just want to make sure everyone knows no one will be unsympathetic because they're all just trying their best!

Later that night, when Patton awoke, it was slow, heavy, and dark. He’d had no dreams – just a peaceful, empty slumber where he could forget that anyone was mad at him and that he had been a hindrance to Thomas.

His lights were off, but after uncurling himself from his multiple blankets, pillows, and plushies so that he was lying on his back, his eyes adjusted to it and he could blurrily make out the ceiling. Shivering, he pulled the blankets back up to his chin and heaved a sigh.

He wished he were still asleep.

There wasn’t anything for him to do while he was awake, so what was the point?

Well, there was one thing…

He wiggled his hand out from under the comforting stack of covers and reached for the nightstand, where he first grabbed his glasses and then his phone. After sloppily shoving the glasses on his face he checked the time – 5:30 PM. Dinner time.

With what felt like too much effort for just getting out of bed, Patton threw the covers back and swung his legs to hang off the bed. Taking a moment to think, he questioned if anyone would question him if he kept his pajamas on. The fabric was softer, looser, and overall just more comfortable. Putting on his usual outfit just seemed like such a hassle in that moment, and the idea of his khakis being stiff around his waist or the collar of his shirt feeling like it was suffocating him really put him off of it. After giving it some contemplation, Patton shook his head to himself, almost like he were trying to clear his mind. If anyone saw him, they’d question it, and he didn’t want to try and explain it to anyone – that would lead to the idea that something was wrong.

And of course, _nothing_ was wrong.

So, he changed his clothes in the dark, ran a hand through his hair to flatten down any unruliness, and headed down the hall to go start cooking dinner.

At the end of the hall he glanced in every direction, not surprised to see that once again, no one was out of their rooms.

Trying not to heave another sigh, he straightened his shoulders and walked to the fridge. He noticed his note was still there, untouched. A small pit of something he didn’t want to admit started in his stomach, and he reached for the fridge handle. Upon opening, he saw only Logan’s waffles missing, while Virgil and Roman’s remained as untouched as the note.

Knowing no one else was around, and therefore no one would see him, Patton leaned forward until his forehead rested against the freezer and his shoulders slumped down with him. He closed his eyes and took a couple deep breaths, telling himself he just needed a moment. It was _fine_ that they didn’t take the brunch, he just… needed a moment.

The moment was short enough, as he was already feeling pretty chilly before he opened the fridge, and the automated coolness emanating from inside wasn’t helping. He carefully closed the fridge and started thinking on what he could make everyone for dinner.

It’d been almost a week since the incident with Roman and Janus. Every day since then, Roman’s food had remained untouched and uneaten no matter what time of day it was. Patton started to worry – it wasn’t like they _needed_ to eat, per se, but it certainly helped. Was Roman not eating at all? What if Roman wasn’t leaving his room _ever_ , and therefore wasn’t eating? What if Patton was essentially forcing Roman to remain in his room if he didn’t want to see Patton? How much worse of a person or a _friend_ could Patton be? What if he’s –

Patton once again shook his head to clear it. He wouldn’t… _couldn’t_ dwell on this any longer. He decided then if Roman wasn’t coming out of his room, he would just take it _to_ Roman’s room. Roman didn’t have to open the door or even respond to him at all, he would just let him know that there was food waiting for him whenever he got hungry. And, for guaranteed success, he would make Roman one of his favorites – pasta!

Just like earlier that same day, this plan of his for the other gave him a sudden burst of energy, and he got right to cooking, pulling down the cumin first so as to not forget.

Secretly, Patton was also pleased that this pasta wasn’t that tedious to make. He’d be overjoyed to make anything anyone asked of him, of course, but recently he’s felt himself get physically tired and aching much easier than before. He found it was harder to hold his arm up to whisk something together as long, to keep reaching for different ingredients, even just as more time passed he got slower and slower. He shrugged any worry of it off, telling himself he really was just getting older, and continued to cook.

Once he finished he scooped out three bowls and immediately cleaned his mess while letting them cool. As he poured any leftover into a tupperware container bound for the fridge again, he paused to see if he himself was hungry for any.

He decided he wasn’t.

He also decided he should probably start cooking for Janus and Remus as well. Of course, he’ll have to seek both of them out to ask them what kinds of foods they like so he knows _what_ to cook for them. Asking Janus would be easy enough, as his room had recently been moved (without his consent, to everyone’s dismay) to also be in the Light Side Hallway. He’d have to specifically trek over to the Dark Side to find Remus and ask him – but ultimately, he was fine with that. Maybe he’d do that tomorrow.

Finally, all evidence of his cooking was cleaned and put away, along with the three bowls of pasta cooled to a comfortable temperature. Picking up all three in his hands, Patton settled on going to Roman’s room last so he could work out what to say through the closed door.

Then, between Logan and Virgil, Logan was probably more open to hearing from and seeing Patton right now. He would be the easiest to give dinner to – so off Patton went.

He was surprised to find Logan’s door already cracked open. It was only slightly, but Patton took that as a vote of confidence, so he used his foot to nudge the door open enough for him to get in while his hands were full.

“Knock, knock.” He said aloud, trying his best not to startle Logan, who was sitting at his laptop and typing something out. He hadn’t looked up as Patton entered, and he didn’t look up now.

“Welcome, Patton.” Logan replied, fingers still moving quickly over his keyboard. “Did you need something?”

Patton tried not to be disappointed in the fact that Logan wouldn’t look at him. He felt the longing to interact with _someone_ in his family start up in him, but he squashed it back down with a plastered smile he knew Logan wouldn’t see.

“All I need is for you to make sure you’re eating!” Patton told him, adding fake pep and a chuckle, “I cooked some pasta for dinner. Brought you a bowl.”

This gave Logan pause, which in turn gave Patton hope. Both were quickly dashed away, however, when Logan started typing again.

“Thank you,” he said, “You can leave it there on my desk.” He didn’t move to indicate the spot on his desk he was speaking of, but Patton could guess. He rearranged the three bowls into one arm so he could reach out and place the bowl down.

“Just make sure you eat it, alright, kiddo?” Patton said, relishing in the ‘thank you’ Logan had given him. When Logan simply nodded, he took it as his cue to leave. He made sure to leave the crack in the door just as it had been when he walked in.

Once in the hallways again, Patton took a deep breath and let it go. That had went much better than he’d anticipated. Starting his march toward Virgil’s room, he hoped for the same success.

Unlike Logan’s door, Virgil’s was closed. Patton could hear some music through it, which he hoped meant that the resident anxious side was in good spirits. When he knocked, the only thing that let him know he was heard was the music lowering in volume.

“Heya, Virge!” Patton called. “I made some dinner for everyone! You don’t have to come eat or anything, I brought it so you could enjoy it by yourself!”

He waited, but there were no sounds besides the still-playing music.

“Uh, if you don’t want to open the door, I can leave it right here!” Patton faltered. He bounced his weight from one foot to the other in his nervousness. When there was still no reply, he let the prepared smile drop into a small frown.

Lowering his voice to sound gentler and quieter, he told Virgil, “I’ll leave it right here, and then I’m going to go give Roman his. So if you do open the door, I won’t be here to see. Goodnight, kiddo.”

He hoped ‘kiddo’ wasn’t also off the table for Virgil. He loved the term, but also would hate to _continue_ to make him uncomfortable. Maybe when he was able to talk to him again, he’d ask.

When he got to Roman’s room, it was as if the door loomed over him. Suddenly he felt small and meek, but he gulped down any fear by remembering what he came here for.

Roman. He doesn’t know if Roman’s been eating. He made Roman one of his favorites. Right.

He knocked on the door with a hand he would never admit was shaking. He held his breath in the silence that followed. When only more silence came, he spoke.

“Uh, hey, Roman! I know we aren’t exactly talking right now – which, which is fine! You know, I understand why you’re upset. You _should_ be upset. I… I treated you, and the situation, wrong.”

A deep breath. He could do this. For Roman.

“But, I don’t want that to mean you _never_ come out of your room, you know? If it’s, uh, if it’s because of _me_ , you can just say so! And I’ll make sure to leave certain spaces for you.”

Another breath. Still no response. He didn’t expect any.

“Anyway, I, uh, just wanted to let you know that I –”

Before Patton could continue, the door flung open, revealing Roman. He looked slightly ruffled in his pajamas, but other than that, he looked alright. Patton saved that information to remember later when he inevitably got worried for Roman’s physical wellbeing again.

“Patton.” Roman bit out. There were no nicknames, no happiness, nothing. He practically growled it out.

Patton unconsciously took a step back, instantly regretting every choice he’d ever made that led him to this moment right now. Gathering up the courage, he opened his mouth to offer Roman the pasta.

“No. Do not continue your speech, alright? You said you understood that I _didn’t_ want to see you, but you won’t leave.”

Patton faltered again, feeling the pinpricks of tears start in his eyes, but he refused to let that be seen. He was here to give Roman food. Holding the bowl in both hands now, he held it out a bit more as he tried to start again. “I brought –”

“I don’t care, Patton!” Roman was nearly shouting now. “Why can’t you take a hint? _Leave me alone_.”

And with that, the door was shut again.

If Logan or Virgil heard the commotion, neither made it known. Patton was alright with that; he didn’t really want to interact with _anyone_ anymore. He mostly felt like he needed to escape – so he did.

He speed walked back to the kitchen, transferring the bowl from his shaking hands to the counter. He knew he was crying, but he refused to acknowledge it. He needed to _breathe_.

4-7-8. Just like Virgil taught them. 4-7-8.

With arms that were still shaking but felt weirdly more numb than anything else, he grabbed the same pen and paper as earlier that day. As quickly and steadily as possible, he wrote out, ‘for Roman, made with Love and Cumin’.

He placed the note under the bowl and prayed that if by some miracle, Roman did leave his room and find the pasta, he’d at least appreciate the inside joke from that past Christmas together.

He moved his glasses to the top of his head so he could rub his eyes. He didn’t let himself sob, but he couldn’t stop the shattering breath that came out. He took in another deep breath as he moved his hands from his eyes to wrap his arms around himself.

He wasn’t upset with Roman in the slightest. He knew Roman was right, he should have just said he brought dinner and then left it there, just like he’d done for Virgil. He was telling the truth when he said Roman should be upset with him, and that he understood why. So if Roman was a bit grumpy and expressed that anger, that was okay. He needed to.

Patton just missed him, is all.

He then turned back to the hallway and back to his room. Once he was inside and the door was closed, he thanked the heavens he had left the lights off and without changing his clothes, collapsed onto his bed and sobbed as quietly as he could until he once again fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments will always be appreciated and i will thank you in homemade cookies


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> like i said last chapter, roman is a tad mean. he's just working some stuff out!

Logan had kept the door open on purpose.

He wasn’t going to pretend like he wasn’t still upset, but he also wasn’t going to lie to himself and say that he didn’t… miss… everyone.

It was strange for him to try and come to terms with, that he was constantly bothered by their noise before, but now that it was gone, so was any joy. He consistently had wanted peace and quiet and just to be _listened_ to, but this… this wasn’t how he wanted to get it. He knew what had happened between Patton, Roman, and Janus almost a week ago, and while he did play a part in that as well, everything between the three of them really felt front and center at the moment.

He hadn’t spoken to anyone for a while.

A few days ago he ran into Virgil as they were both getting food in the kitchen. Neither said anything, just a nod to each other in greeting, but otherwise they sat quietly until Virgil found what he was looking for and walked back to his room.

Logan had been making himself his morning coffee at the time, and noticed that despite the hour, Patton wasn’t awake. He’d saved that information for later pondering and resumed with his coffee.

He had very much appreciated how Patton was still cooking everyone meals, even if they hadn’t been eating together. He truly had. However, there was something _different_ about eating the meals when they were fresh.

(And about eating them _together_ , but he would never admit that.)

So when he sat at his desk while researching to help create Thomas’ weekly schedule and smelled pasta, he was intrigued.

He stood and got to his door, ready to go and greet Patton as he was cooking, when he remembered that he was, in fact, still upset with him and everyone else.

He continued to stand there for what felt like too long trying to make his decision. Finally, getting irritated with his own emotions, he settled for leaving the door open a crack but not joining in. That way, Patton, and anyone else that might be in the kitchen would know that he was open to conversation _if_ they initiated it. Otherwise, he would continue with his work.

He heard when Patton nudged the door open but appreciated that he also gave a verbal cue.

Their entire conversation, he reminded himself to _not_ look up at Patton. He wanted his point driven home. He wanted Patton to know what it felt like to hardly be listened to.

He almost gave up when he heard Patton’s unconscious sigh of relief just from being told ‘thank you’.

But he didn’t.

And then Patton reminded him to eat, and then he was gone.

When Logan was certain he was not only out of his room but away from the door, he turned to the pasta – still steaming but not too hot – and smiled. It was one of Roman’s favorites. He then turned to his door and noticed that Patton had placed the crack exactly as it had been when he arrived.

Maybe he should actually eat _with_ Patton sometime soon.

-

Virgil hadn’t come out of his room in a _while_.

After telling Thomas about his past, he stayed cooped up, only to come out for that party-turned-movie night.

After getting so riled up in his own anxiety that he made Thomas stay home, he knew he was feeling more irritable than normal, and he knew that when he snapped at everyone else in the room.

Especially Patton.

He hadn’t realized at the time _just_ how snappy he’d been. After the movie and the fanfiction writing was all over and he was back in his safe and comfortable living quarters, he started to think back on his interactions. While he was correct in what he’d said to Patton, he was also _sure_ that there’d been a nicer way to say it. Or to not say it _then_ at all, since if he was remembering correctly, Patton was just trying to agree with him. Logan had even pointed out that Patton had been right, and Patton had said little else.

Surprise, surprise, he started to feel more anxious about that.

Patton was self-admittedly his best friend. And he had snapped at him, for _what_? What he said wasn’t a _lie_ , but Patton had already known it _and_ was trying to fix it. He knew he should find Patton and apologize to him for coming across so heated, but…

What if Patton didn’t want to be his best friend anymore?

What if he’d fought for his spot in this family so hard only to throw it away?

~~Wouldn’t be the first time.~~

Since then, his mind had been spiraling consistently, and the more he kept away from his family the more anxious he became to see them all again. It was a never-ending cycle. He only ever left his room at times he knew hardly anyone else would be around, and only to find food to hoard in his bedroom.

Then there had been their most recent… video.

He wasn’t there, so he’s not completely sure what happened, but he could definitely _feel_ the anxiety radiating off everyone increase tenfold.

This, surprise, surprise, only worsened his _own_ anxiety.

He stayed in his room.

So when Patton had knocked on his door, he lowered the volume of his music to hear what he had to say.

He’d wanted to open the door and graciously accept the meal. He truly had. It was just…

The Anxiety.

He tried to find the right words to say, because even if he didn’t plan on opening the door Patton still deserved a ‘thank you’, but he spent too long trying to put it together, and Patton had already left it outside his door for him and left.

Great. He’d messed up _again_.

When he was sure Patton was really gone and continued down the hall, he silently opened the door, snatched the delicious-looking pasta, and closed it again.

-

Roman was no stranger to shame.

He was angry. He was upset. He was also sorry, whether he wanted to admit that to himself or not.

His mind was like a battlefield ever since he’d sunk out. As soon as the anger flared up in him like a lit match, it would get blown out by the memory of shock and pain on Janus’s face. As soon as any cold and dreadful guilt started to bite away at him, the anger would flare up tenfold at the memory of himself before that dreaded interaction, guilty for wanting what he wanted and guilty for feeling sad about not getting it.

Back and forth, back and forth.

All he really knew was that he _wanted_ to be alone for right now. Is that what he _needed_? He didn’t know, and he frankly didn’t care.

It was while he was in the particular throws of anger that Patton had come knocking on his door.

This wasn’t the first time Patton had come knocking, and Roman believed it wouldn’t be the last. Last time, his mind had told him to give Patton a chance, to actually _listen_ to what he was trying to say through the door. That had been minutes after his sinking out ordeal. Now, however, now his mind screamed ‘ _How dare he?_ ’

As Patton rambled, Roman quickly thought of how best to spite him. He knew that perhaps that was a little too much, but he didn’t care at that moment. Rage screamed over all his rationality. He rapidly concluded that ignoring Patton would cut him the deepest.

So that’s what he did.

That is, until Patton kept talking.

All at once, any pre-thought plan left him, and he rushed to the door. When he flung it open, he saw Patton face to face, and that only fueled his fire.

He never noticed the bowl in Patton’s hands. He’d kept his eyes locked on Patton’s, silently reveling in the fact that Patton had taken a step back from him. When Patton spoke, he cut him off. He noticed the tears start in Patton’s eyes, and the only thought he could think in that moment was ‘ _Good_.’

A couple hours later, though, when the boiling anger had died down into hunger, he opened his door to check that no one else out. He didn’t want to have to run into anyone and explain why he’d made Patton cry. Once it was confirmed that everyone else was in their respective rooms, Roman headed for the kitchen.

Where he found a bowl on the counter.

He walked over to examine it and saw that it was for him.

‘ _For Roman, made with Love and Cumin’_

It hit him all at once.

Patton had been holding something. He had been about to say something when Roman interrupted him. He’d made one of his favorites and left a note with a callback to a Christmas they had spent a lot of time together.

The note had now-dried wet spots at the bottom.

He’d made Patton _cry_.

How was he to prove he _wasn’t_ anything like his brother if _this_ is how he treated his family?

Taking the bowl and the note, he rushed back to his room, and the war in his mind started all over again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning for remus being remus and specifically for fingernails, because remus, for this chapter and the next! :)
> 
> (also i'm uploading 2 chapters at once today ssssshhhhh)

The first thing Patton noticed the next time he awoke was just how uncomfortable he was.

His clothes were all stiff and unpleasant, he was awkwardly laying on top of all his bed items instead of being _in_ bed, and his glasses were still on his head. With a shiver, he noticed how little of his arms his shirt covered. He considered getting up and changing into some more comfortable clothes, but ultimately decided he was too exhausted and, frankly, freezing to get up and do anything about it. So he shifted himself until he was under all his blankets.

He still felt cold.

Focusing, he conjured another blanket and added it to the pile before settling back down.

That was strange, he thought, the amount of concentration he had to put into conjuring an item. It had never been that hard before.

It was probably just because he was still so tired.

Why was he still _so_ tired?

If he was still wearing his everyday outfit, then his phone should be in his pocket. Reaching into it he realized he’d been correct, and he brought it up to his face as close as possible to not let in any extra chill underneath the covers.

2:00 AM.

Patton let himself groan.

Seeing his phone was almost dead, he plugged it in and left it on his nightstand. He then rolled to lay on his back once again and stare up at the ceiling, letting his mind wander.

It wandered to Roman… then Virgil… and Logan… and even Janus and Remus.

Suddenly, as if it were all bubbling to the surface right now, alone is his room much too early in the morning, he felt completely _alone_. He couldn’t remember the last time he spoke to someone in a casual conversation. He can’t remember the last time he smiled and meant it. He can’t remember the last time it felt like he did something _right_.

Every choice he made, everything he said, was all wrong, wrong, wrong. Even before the video and the altercation, he was _always_ wrong. Before it had just been about little things, but now he was effecting _Thomas_ because of his actions, and that was one of the last things he wanted.

He _loved_ Thomas. He loved all his family.

How could he be called ‘morality’ when he was doing such a bad job? How could he be what Thomas needed if he just… _wasn’t_?

Maybe he shouldn’t be Thomas’ morality anymore. Maybe he should just let everyone else make a group decision, without him, and that way he wouldn’t be hurting anyone anymore. Maybe…

Maybe Janus should take over.

Logan would probably be relieved if that were the case. While Virgil and Roman would probably be opposed to the idea at first, they’d eventually have to admit it when Janus did a better job. Because, to Patton, Janus _would_ do a better job, of course he would. Janus had already demonstrated as such. He hadn’t been friendly with Janus for very long yet, but he could already see the good in him, even if he tried to act like it didn’t exist.

It honestly reminded him of Virgil when he had just been accepted.

Oh, remember when Virgil would _talk_ to him?

Patton didn’t think he could stop the tears again even if he wanted to.

-

Hours later, he still had gotten no more sleep. He’d stopped crying, thankfully, but no matter how deeply tired he was while staring up at his blurry ceiling, he just couldn’t fall asleep again.

The alarm he had set on his phone gave him a scare when it went off, as he’d honestly forgotten that he had one set. Recently he’s been sleeping through them.

Well, not this morning.

Sitting up and reaching for his phone, he turned the alarm off as quickly as possible. The noise was really starting to give him a headache. He remembered that today he wanted to go ask Janus and Remus what kinds of foods they liked to eat, but it was too early right now. He didn’t know what else he could do until he thought it a good time to seek either side out, when suddenly he realized he hadn’t showered in… at least a few days.

Alright, that was… kind of gross.

He should shower.

Nodding to himself, he stood and trekked over to his bathroom door. It was times like these he was thankful every side had their own bathroom – otherwise he’d spend the whole morning worrying he’d cut into someone else’s shower time.

When he saw himself in the mirror, he realized he looked… worse for wear. You could see how red his eyes still were, how unruly his hair was being, and he couldn’t tell if he was imagining things or if he really was a bit thinner than last time he saw himself.

As he started the water and gathered his necessities, he scolded himself for not making sure he didn’t _look_ as sad as he _felt_. Everyone had their own struggles recently; they didn’t need him to add his to the pile.

-

Freshly washed and dressed, Patton checked the time once again.

9:00 AM.

He double checked it.

How had he spent three entire hours in the shower?

Sure, the water had been a blessing in disguise with its warmth, and he honestly _did_ start to feel a bit better because he was cleaner, but… three hours?

The water never even ran cold. Could their water run cold? It was imaginary, wasn’t it? So… no?

Patton chose not to dwell on it any longer than that.

He supposed now would be a good time to talk to Janus and Remus. He’d talk with Janus first, as his door was a simple walk down the hall, and then to Remus over in the Dark Side. With Janus, he knew the interaction had no reason to go sour, so he calmed his nerves as he took a deep breath and left his room.

Janus’s door was at the end of the hall, unfortunately, right next to Virgil’s. Patton’s hands didn’t shake as he knocked on it, but… there was no answer.

Glancing at the bottom of the door, Patton saw that the lights were off.

Janus must still be asleep.

Come to think of it, Patton didn’t know how being part snake affected Janus… _at all_ , let alone his sleep schedule. He guessed he’d just wait a few hours and talk to him then.

That meant on to Remus.

Getting to the Dark Side was curious, to say the least. If Patton were being honest, he didn’t actually know how to get to the ‘Dark Side’, only how to get to individual rooms in the Dark Side. That’s how they got to Virgil, by focusing on him – well, Thomas did most of the work then, but still.

Patton closed his eyes and thought about Remus and seeing him face to face. Like earlier that morning, it was taking him much more concentration and effort than it normally would. When he felt like he was about to burst a blood vessel in concentration, he felt the air around him change.

“Padre?” Remus’s voice asked.

When Patton opened his eyes, his vision swam. Remus’s room looked… like a dungeon. It looked like a crude mirror to Roman’s, except dirtier and with a different color palette. Something told Patton that Remus had no say in this.

If Remus noticed Patton’s dizziness, he didn’t say anything. Only came right up to Patton and got directly in his face.

“What’cha here for, Pop?” Remus asked him, his voice _much_ too loud. Patton cringed before he could stop himself, and instantly felt bad. He hoped he wasn’t giving Remus the wrong idea.

“Hi, Remus,” Patton started, “I – ”

“Came here to taunt me?” Remus interrupted.

“What? No, I –”

“Came here to lecture me? To scold?” Remus scowled. “Came here to let me know just how grotesque I really am?” Remus asked, nearly shouting.

“Remus,” Patton tried again, “I –”

“Well, _Patton_ , I don’t need you to tell me!” Remus cackled. “I _know_ how grotesque I am, and I _love_ it. I _love_ guts, and blood, and goldfish in condoms! And –”

“I came to ask you what you like to eat.” Patton blurted out.

Remus paused, and Patton thanked everything he could.

“What? What do you mean?” Remus asked.

“Like, for example, what kind of cookies do you like? Or, what do you like in them? I… like chocolate chips.” Patton explained. He knew he had a knot in his brow, he was just gaining a pretty big headache after rising up here, and with how loudly Remus was talking to him. He prayed that it wasn’t something gross…

“Fingernails.” Remus sounded out, elongating the word and staring him directly in the eye. If Patton didn’t know any better, he’d think there was a challenge to Remus’s glare.

“Fingernails?” Patton repeated. He did his best to not picture it in his mind, and to also stand straight and take Remus seriously. Even if he didn’t like whatever the answer was, whatever Remus liked… he liked.

Not breaking the eye contact, Remus nodded. “Fing-er-nails.” He said again. “I eat them like sprinkles. On _everything_. Double-D-licious!” While he had exclaimed that last part, his face didn’t show it, as he had still not broken the direct and challenging eye contact with Patton. It was almost as if he _dared_ Patton to question him.

Patton refused to take the bait and tried not to gag at the idea of what Remus had just implied. He didn’t know if he could honestly take this conversation much longer, and he truly didn’t want to insult Remus, so he asked just one more question.

“Do you know what kind of food Janus likes?”

At that, Remus’s mouth instantly exclaimed “Honey!”, but was followed immediately by Remus’s shoulders rising to his ears, his hands bawling into fists, and his frown deepening as he finally looked away. He reminded Patton of a scorned cat.

“Alright,” Patton said quickly, “Thanks for answering, Remus, I’ll get out of your hair now.”

He closed his eyes and went to focus again, thinking of the Light Side living room. He heard Remus mutter a dark “Whatever.” And then he was standing in front of the couch.

Goodness, that took a lot out of him. His vision swam again, and the dizzy spell hit him so hard he went ahead and took a seat at the end of the couch. He closed his eyes and took a few long breaths to stop himself from feeling nauseous, and before he knew it, he was asleep again.

-

Patton shook himself awake from a strange dream – probably courtesy of his visit with Remus. Doing so caused him to notice the terrible headache he’d formed, and he instantly put a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. He’d have to go and find some medicine for that. After a few seconds of just letting himself breathe, he checked the time.

2:00 PM.

He wondered if anyone had seen him asleep on the couch. He stood and looked around, lightly stretching when his joints popped in protest. No one was there.

But then he noticed.

Roman’s bowl was gone.

He rushed over, ignoring his head’s protest, and saw that the note was gone as well. Patton smiled, and in looking over all of the kitchen, noticed all three bowls, empty and sitting in the sink.

He did a small air pump in celebration.

He instantly had to swiftly grab onto the counter to keep himself from falling over, but honestly, he didn’t care right now. They had all eaten his food again! He was ecstatic!

He should bake something in celebration!

He determined he would bake some cookies, since that’s what he had asked Remus about earlier. He could make everyone exactly the kind that they liked, and hopefully, they’d enjoy that, too!

He instantly busied himself with the baking, deciding that he wouldn’t go overboard, just in case he was setting himself up for failure. He’d make each side 6 large cookies, that way they were special, but also not too many for anyone. 

He baked in no particular order. Once he finished Virgil’s dark chocolate chips, he put them on one of Virgil’s purple plates and left it on the counter. Next was oatmeal raisin for Logan, which were left on an indigo plate right next to Virgil’s. For Roman, a secret sweet tooth, sugar cookies on a red plate, obviously, right next to Logan’s.

For Janus and Remus, Patton knew he should probably take the cookies _to_ them, so no one would be upset that they also got cookies, or, honestly, had to see the abomination that was Remus’s cookies.

Because right after Patton finished Janus’s honey cookies, he did exactly what he promised himself and made Remus his cookies, too.

He closed his eyes when he conjured a small container of fingernails and kept them closed as he mixed them into the chocolate batter. That part he guessed, the idea that Remus liked chocolate, but he hoped it was true. He focused solely on why he chose chocolate for Remus’s cookies and tried his best to think _nothing_ of the fingernails.

Eventually, he was finished. He cleaned everything up, threw away anything that touched those darned fingernails and conjured replacements, and grabbed the last two plates to take them to their respective owners.

Janus’s room was still dark, from what he could see through the crack at the bottom. He started to worry if Janus should normally be awake by now or if he really did just sleep that late. He left the cookies at the foot of the door and for the second time that day, focused on Remus’s room.

This time, Remus was nowhere to be seen. Patton didn’t know where he could be, as he had no clue what the layout of the Dark Side was like, just that Remus wasn’t in his room. Looking around, he spotted an old, rickety, broken-in-some-places desk along one of the walls. Patton walked over and set the plate down there, wondering to himself if Remus really enjoyed the way his room was set up or if he truly didn’t have any say in it. He hoped it was the former.

Glancing over, he saw some paper and crayons. There were a few drawings, a couple of them Patton couldn’t quite make out, but there in the middle of one he saw a really artistic and well done portrait of himself done in black crayon. He made no expression in this drawing, just stared straight ahead. It was incredibly detailed though, and Patton had to say, it looked amazing.

Taking one of the pieces of paper and a blue crayon, Patton wrote a short note to Remus explaining the cookies. Then, just because, he reached over and wrote ‘Wonderful!’ and a smiley face next to portrait of him.

Satisfied, he concentrated on his room, and sunk out.

He fell onto his bed in good spirits this time, completely fine with the fact that sinking in and out was tiring him out so much he was passing out nearly every time he did it.

At least this time, he slept in peace.

-

Later that night, a knock on his door pulled him from his slumber.

He sat up and rubbed his eyes, noticing he once again fell asleep in the same clothes.

The person at the door knocked again.

He was shocked to find that it was Remus, his hand raised to knock once more, the other holding the plate of cookies Patton had left him.

“Hey, kiddo.” Patton yawned. He didn’t notice Remus’s bewilderment with his eyes closed. “Did you need me for something?”

“You…” Remus met his eyes. Instead of a challenge in them, this time there was curiosity, and something else, something deeper that Patton couldn’t quite place. “You put… fingernails… in these.” He didn’t say it as a question.

“I had to close my eyes.” Patton chuckled.

“I lied to you.” Remus suddenly rushed out, now looking anywhere but his eyes. He was shifting his weight from foot to foot, and Patton could see his free hand was claw-shaped and picking at the cuticle of his thumb.

A few empty seconds passed in shock. “What do you mean?” Patton asked.

“I don’t really like to eat fingernails. I lied.” Remus said urgently. “My favorite cookies are peanut butter.”

“Oh, Remus,” Patton sighed, “If you’re saying this because you know I think it’s… unpleasant, you don’t have to. I’ll just close my eyes whenever I bake them for you, like I did today.”

Now, Remus did meet his eyes. Shockingly, it was the most earnest Patton had ever seen him.

“I’m not saying this to be nice. I lied earlier. I said it to gross you out, and these fingernail cookies _are_ gross. I hate the texture.” Remus admitted, speaking a mile a minute.

“Alright. I’m sorry they’re gross to you – do you want me to go make you some peanut butter ones?” Patton offered.

Remus sputtered.

“No!” He eventually said. “That’s fine. It’s fine… thank you anyway.”

“You’re welcome.” Patton said. “Is that all?”

Remus nodded, looking down the hall and starting to fidget more.

“Alrighty! Goodnight, kiddo.” Patton told him.

Remus kept his gaze staring down the hallway, but Patton could tell he wasn’t really looking at anything in particular.

“Goodnight.” He said.

When Patton closed the door, he let himself stretch again. He was still sleepy, so he finally changed into his pajamas, and crawled back into bed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, a content warning for remus being remus in this chapter! specifically, content warning for fingernails, blood and remus curses in this chapter. stay safe friends :)

Janus’s room was his safe haven.

Whether it was used as respite or hideaway, it served its purpose to him time and time again.

Most recently, it’d been much more the latter than the former.

Listen, if he’d had a say in anything, his room would be right where it had always been. He especially wouldn’t have placed himself next to _Virgil_ , of all sides. Even _if_ he’s not particularly… welcome around Remus anymore, he’d much rather be uncomfortable around Remus than uncomfortable around the Light Sides.

At least he had Patton.

He and Patton hadn’t talked to or seen each other very much since his acceptance, but Janus breathed a secret sigh of relief every time they did. Call him dramatic, but Patton was like a ray of sunshine in a hailstorm. Where he’d despised the cheery attitude and father-figure feigning when not directed at him, now that he’d experienced it himself… Well, he wondered to himself how they ever lived without it. Even if everyone else cursed him to hell and back all day long, a simple smile from Patton in the hallway made it worth it to keep trying, knowing that Thomas’s _morality_ trusted him.

Janus had to admit, he never expected the moral side to be able to wiggle his way past his walls like this. He wouldn’t acknowledge it out loud, of course, but he was eternally thankful for having at least one friend in these trying times.

Speaking of Patton, he hadn’t seen much of him lately.

He’d kept his lights low and dimmed recently, not only to ward off any angry side that wanted to come knocking, but also to put him at ease. Lights that were too bright always hurt his eyes – not enough to make him say anything, but just enough to needle his brain into a headache the longer he exposed himself to them. The brightest lights in his room were the large heat lamp hanging from the wall above his bed, and his bedside lamp whenever he turned it on. He wondered if maybe Patton had seen the dim lights and therefore didn’t want to bother him.

Of course, that was assuming that Patton even wanted to seek him out.

He’d slept in that day, which was a rare occurrence. Most of the time he felt it important to stay on a schedule and get everything he needed to get done, done. He could thank years of watching after Virgil and Remus for that.

When he awoke, he’d stayed in his room – as per usual. He’d grabbed his current reading – Peter Singers’ “The Most Good You Can Do”, inspired by Logan’s recent speech about the man – and continued from where he left off.

After a while, however, he became rather hungry. He ignored it as long as he possibly could, knowing that if he ran into Virgil or Roman in the hallway or kitchen, he would never hear the end of it. When he finally decided he couldn’t put it off any longer, he walked to and opened the door.

And then almost stepped on the cookies placed there on the floor.

Surprised and curious, he picked up the plate and carried it back into the room with him, closing the door yet again. Sitting at his desk, he put the plate down and picked up an individual cookie.

Large, flat, and tan, with some wrinkles on the top. If he were guessing, he’d say it was a sugar cookie. It smelled sweet, and _good_ , and it was _obviously_ from Patton – but what if it wasn’t?

Would those that hate him go so far as to poison him? What if it was a decoy, or a trap?

Janus shook his head and laughed at himself quietly. That was more Remus’s speed, wasn’t it?

Giving a small shrug, he took a bite of the cookie.

_Honey_.

Oh, _that was delectable_.

He always knew Patton was a good cook, otherwise he wouldn’t be the one cooking all the meals, but this?

This was, legitimately, one of the best things he’d ever eaten. He wasn’t a terrible cook himself, but he wasn’t perfect. Virgil was always too anxious to try to cook anything, and Remus made horrid concoctions whenever he tried. He’d say the meals he cooked for them had always been good, but never great. Nothing like this. This was sweet, but not too sweet. He tasted honey, which was his favorite (and how did Patton know that?), but also some cinnamon? The inside was gooey, but not raw, and they tasted like warmth.

_How_ _did Patton do that_?

He finished the first cookie, and then reached for the second, only to stop himself. There were only six. He had no idea why Patton had done this, or when Patton might do it again. He knew Patton baked fairly regularly, but this was special, right? It seemed that way – six cookies, delivered directly to his door, on a… they were even on a yellow plate! With _honeybees_ decorating the edges!

What had he done to deserve this?

Despite how tempted he’d been, he stopped himself from eating the rest of the cookies in one sitting. They were the best thing he’d ever eaten, and he was determined to make them last.

He went back to his reading, using all his willpower to focus on the words instead.

-

When Patton had popped into his room, unannounced and out of nowhere, Remus was shocked.

He never got visitors that weren’t Janus, and now that he and Janus weren’t speaking either (more so _he_ wasn’t speaking to _Janus_ ), he definitely didn’t expect anyone to talk to him. Let alone a Light Side, let alone _Patton_.

The shock left him quickly, however, and was easily replaced by cold fury. Patton was probably here to scold him. Probably just here to let him know just how unwanted he was, right? Unwanted, unloved, unheard. He probably wanted to rub it in his face just how much they hated him.

To retaliate, Remus tried his best to say exactly the kinds of things he knew would bother Patton.

The more Patton cringed at his words, the more invigorated he felt. When Patton suddenly asked him about food, he said the first hurl-worthy thing he thought.

When Patton straightened up and repeated what he’d said, Remus wondered if maybe the moral side was tougher than he seemed. He stared him in the eyes, waiting for him to reprimand and lecture him, but it never came.

Then he’d mentioned Janus, and Remus couldn’t stop himself from giving the answer he’d known for years.

Patton left him alone with his now sour mood, thinking of his newest lost friend.

Janus had promised him. He’d promised. No more Romans, no more Virgils, no more leaving. He’d _promised_.

But no, he’d left just like the rest, and he’d compared Roman to him as an insult. Because that’s all he was, right? Roman’s shadow? Roman’s opposite? Roman’s nightmare?

Something to hate and get rid of and _abandon_?

His body shaking with an emotion he didn’t want to put a name to, Remus opened his half of the imagination and stepped in. He didn’t know where he’d go or what kind of trouble he’d cause, but _anything_ was better than here.

Later, he’d returned covered in blood and calmed down. He honestly couldn’t remember how much of the blood was his and how much came from… outside imaginary sources, but it didn’t really matter to him, as long as the acidic feeling on the inside was gone now (maybe not gone, but definitely lessened).

The moment he stepped foot in his room, he spotted the difference – most people would probably think Remus’s room chaotic and unmanageable, but for Remus, it was an organized chaos. And anything that was out of place or didn’t belong, he noticed immediately.

Walking over to his falling apart desk, he found the culprit…

Cookies?

Wrapped up in curiosity, he unconsciously sat in his chair. He pulled up his legs to be crossed underneath him and grabbed the note from under the green and black plate.

Patton… had baked… him cookies.

He hesitantly took a bite, chewed once, and spit it out onto his floor. Gross. What kind of cookie even was this? He brought it up to his eyes to inspect the middle from where he’d taken a bite.

It was then he noticed the fingernails.

Remus’s mind felt like a movie screen zoomed all the way out. Like a rubber band someone was stretching. He was absolutely confounded.

Patton took him seriously earlier… and baked him fingernail cookies.

Abruptly, his eyes changed focus from the cookie right in front of his eyes to his artwork on the desk. A few hectic scribbles, some words that Remus had to get out of his repeating head by writing him down, and the random portrait of a straight-faced ( _heh_ ) Patton in the middle he’d randomly done days ago.

Someone had written ‘ _Wonderful!’_ next to it.

In blue crayon.

The same blue crayon Patton had used to write him the note…

Patton said his art was wonderful?

What was _happening_?! _What did he do to deserve this_?!

An acidic feeling bubbled inside him once again, but this time, instead of anger and… other things, it was a crushing guilt mixed with a bubbly euphoria. The combination made him want to barf. He wanted only the euphoria, and stat.

So he went and sought Patton out. He popped up directly in front of Patton’s door and quickly knocked, fidgeting and checking the hallway for signs of his dreaded brother.

When Patton didn’t answer, he knocked again.

And then went to knock again – when Patton answered.

‘ _Kiddo’._

Since when? What? Was it opposite day, and Remus just didn’t know?

Patton told him he’d just closed his eyes, as if it were no big deal, as if he didn’t make an abomination unto God in the form of six chocolate cookies.

Remus told him the truth.

‘ _Whenever I bake them for you_ ’

Was he going to do this _again_?! What the _fuck_ is happening?!

‘ _Go bake some new ones for you?’_

Remus decided he’d lost his mind… again.

He let Patton know that it was fine, and honestly, he wanted to get back to his room now. It felt overwhelming, the… kindness. He didn’t know what to do with it, where to put it. It burned, but in a good, new way. His mind was racing a mile a minute. It was a lot to deal with.

Patton told him goodnight, called him ‘Kiddo’ once more, and let him be.

When Remus rose into his room again, he was laughing.

He carefully set the plate he was still holding onto his bed, not wanting to break the literal or metaphorical bridge that had been laid, raised his hand to his forehead, and laughed.

He laughed, and jumped, and spun in a circle until he felt like puking. Still giggling, he forced himself to fall into his chair as the world continued to shift everywhere in his sight as a side effect. Blinking away the tricks of his eyes, he grabbed the artwork Patton had wrote on and held it close, ignoring any salty taste from any happy tears that came soon after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE comments are my LIFEBLOOD and I WILL give you cookies!!! Thank you for reading!! :D


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember that warning about roman earlier? yeah, same applies for logan in this one! :)
> 
> (also psssst two chapters in one day again??? nah... unless??)

With the recent kind-of success of Remus’s, and hopefully Janus’s, cookies, Patton was in a slightly better mood for the following week.

Still… tired, but… slightly better!

He continued his meal-cooking routine every day to the best of his abilities. Some days (most days, if he’s honest with himself) he accidentally overslept and didn’t make breakfast, and maybe some days he also slept through lunch, but lunch was a meal where everyone could easily pick what they wanted for themselves, right?

Not like they were eating together, anyway.

Still.

Nonetheless, he’d been awake to make dinner every night! He counted that as a win in his book. Taking inspiration from the separate success of having everyone eat his pasta, he’d been making various sides’ favorites every night since then. He’d go in a pattern – Roman, Virgil, Logan. Tonight he was on Logan.

Patton mulled over all the possibilities of what he could cook for Logan. On the one hand, it had to be something Logan was known to enjoy. On the other hand, he also wanted it to be a comforting food as well.

Ultimately, he opted for chicken alfredo.

He got to work, thankful for the distraction that cooking brought. It was true that he’d felt a bit better thanks to his positive interaction with Remus, but he also still felt bad. Today he’d woken up only 10 minutes before he started cooking, and he still felt sleepy no matter how much water he splashed on his face, so he’d kept his pajamas on this time around. No one was going to see him, so no one was going to question him. He hadn’t spoken to anyone _since_ Remus, and that was a week ago – so no harm, no foul, right?

And if said pajamas got a bit messy while he was cooking, that was also fine with him. To be honest, he didn’t notice most of the mess that got onto him. He probably shouldn’t actually be cooking if he really were this sleepy, at least, that’s what he’d imagine Logan telling him. But, darn it, he was going to make Logan some chicken alfredo if it was the last thing he did!

Okay, he told himself, maybe he really should start paying more attention, as he had to pull his arm away from a thread hanging off his long-sleeved shirt almost catching fire. How did that even happen while cooking _chicken alfredo_?

…What step had he been on?

It was while he stared down at everything trying to figure out the last thing he’d done that he heard an interrupting clearing of the throat behind him.

Patton jumped.

It was just Logan. Standing there with his arms crossed, slight dark circles under his eyes, and a knot in his brow.

Outside his room.

Patton wanted to cry with joy, which he very well might do when he was alone again, but for right now, he could _easily_ see that something was bothering Logan.

“Logan!” Patton greeted.

“Salutations, Patton.” Logan greeted back.

Patton frowned a bit to himself when Logan looked away from him to survey the rest of the kitchen in a cold glare. Whatever was bothering him apparently had him in a terrible mood. Patton hoped he could help, in one way or another.

“I’m cooking dinner!” Patton told him with fake enthusiasm, turning back to said food. He reached a hand out to grab… something, hoping it wasn’t evident that he had zoned out and now had no idea where he was at in the alfredo process.

“I can see.” Logan deadpanned.

_Alright,_ Patton told himself, _this is what you wanted._

“So, what brings you out here?” He asked.

“I wanted to find the source of the incessant noises that woke me up.” Logan answered, still scanning over everything on the counter with almost a scowl.

Patton instantly felt terrible.

“Oh, Logan, I’m sorry! I didn’t know you had been sleeping.” He said earnestly. Then he paused and looked to Logan again. “Wait, why were you sleeping so late in the afternoon? Don’t you normally stick to a pretty strict schedule?”

Logan looked to the table now, still frowning, and arms still crossed. “I admit that I lost track of time last night, and accidentally stayed up much too late. This pushed back my time for sleep.” He explained. “I –”

“Oh, that’s not good!” Patton interrupted. He honestly hadn’t heard Logan start his next sentence. He laughed uncomfortably, feeling more guilt for waking him every second that passed, “You should really pay attention to the time! It’s not good for you to –”

“ _Don’t_ interrupt me.” Logan said coldly.

Patton froze, but his heart felt like it was going to jump from his chest.

“Sorry, I didn’t hear you –”

“Maybe you would have, if you actually _listened_ for once.” Logan snapped.

Okay, so this was going downhill _very quickly_.

Patton opened his mouth to apologize again, but Logan cut him off.

“Also, I don’t think the side who’s been enjoying multiple naps _a day_ has any right to lecture _me_ on a healthy sleeping schedule.”

Patton’s mouth closed and opened again. “I – I wasn’t lecturing –”

“ _Some of us_ have important jobs to do for Thomas.” Logan jabbed. “ _Some of us –_ ”

“Logan, please, I’m really sorr–” He knew he was interrupting again, but he just wanted Logan to stop. His words hurt, and Patton’s heart was thumping too loud in his ears.

“ _I am not done._ ” Logan interrupted him back, his voice cold and hard as ice. He stepped closer to Patton, standing over him. “ _Some of us_ have more to do than to sleep or cook. _Some of us_ have more _important_ and _better_ things to do than walk around in our pajamas everywhere, making a mess of everyone’s shared kitchen _and_ ourselves just for some unhealthy meal that doesn’t benefit _anyone_.”

Patton tore his gaze away from Logan and back to the alfredo, and said weakly, “I… I thought you’d like it?”

The ensuing silence felt like it lasted forever. The ice in Logan’s tone was metaphorical, but he still felt like shivering under his stare.

“You thought that I would enjoy this?” Logan asked him, only it didn’t sound very much like a question. It sounded calculating.

“…Yes?” Patton said, voice almost a whisper.

“You thought that for sustenance I would enjoy a food _packed_ with _far too much_ saturated fats, sodium, _and_ cholesterol?”

_Oh_.

Now, Patton looked back at him. While Logan was angry and was voicing that, the way he’d said it let Patton know he was thinking himself more machine than human. He knew for a fact there were foods Logan enjoyed, and he enjoyed them because they tasted good to him, not just because he needed ‘sustenance’. All at once, Patton just wanted to let him know he was _okay_ , with all his emotions and all his preferences, logical or not. All at once, Patton understood that Logan was doing what he always did when he was more angry with himself than those around him – lashing out.

“It’s okay if you do.” He told him lowly.

Logan reeled back from where he’d been glowering over Patton. His face morphed into shock before quickly returning back into a scowl.

“I _don’t_.” He reiterated. “I _don’t_ like unhealthy foods,” He stepped forward and pointed to the mess behind Patton’s back, “or _mindsets_ ,” he stepped forward again and raised his hand to point towards his head, “or _people_.” With that, he stepped forward once more, now not only in front of Patton, but directly in his space, and he pointed right into Patton’s chest, not once breaking eye contact.

Patton didn’t breathe.

He continued to hold his breath as Logan spun around and all but stomped back to his room.

He continued still when he heard Logan’s door slam shut.

He continued still until a few moments passed and his lungs were burning, and he couldn’t any longer. The breath he was holding rushed out of him, and when he went to take the next breath in, his chest stuttered.

Patton _couldn’t_ breathe.

He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t breathe, and the world was getting blurrier by the second – oh, he was crying – and he needed to clean up his mess.

He still couldn’t breathe, and he couldn’t stop shaking, but he couldn’t leave all of this out. As quietly as he could, he threw all progress of the alfredo into the trash can.

_Because it wasn’t good enough._

It took him all the concentration he had to make no noise while rinsing off the pots and pans and actively trembling.

_Because he wasn’t good enough._

Once he finished, he numbly walked back to his room, shut the door, locked it, and fell to sit on his floor.

He still couldn’t breathe.

Everything Logan said to him, everything he considered a truth and a personal failure, repeated themselves in his head as he struggled to breathe again.

_I’m not important to Thomas_ , his mind roared, _I’m not important to… **I’m not important**._

A large breath left him again, and his chest started to ache with the lack of air. He unconsciously began to rock back and forth, hugging himself as a sob wrenched itself out of him.

_I’m not **important** , or **helpful** , or **good enough** for Thomas, or for **anyone** , **ever**. I…_

Another sob, another breath he couldn’t take, another racing thought.

_I… I’m just trying to be good enough for everyone. Why can’t I be good enough?_

And again.

This time, Patton spoke aloud. Bringing his legs up to hug them, he hid his face in the soft fabric of his pajama pants and brokenly sobbed,

“ _I just… want to be good enough… for you_.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... unless?

Logan knew he’d been in the wrong.

He was _Logic_ , he _knew_ things, he couldn’t _stop_ knowing things.

He knew he’d stayed up until sunrise that morning, and he knew that had been his own fault. He knew that when he had slept, it was rough and nightmare-filled, and he knew the contents of the aforementioned nightmares directly influenced his waking actions. He knew when his sleep was interrupted thanks to the sound of various cooking utensils, he’d been grumpy and agitated, _he knew_.

He knew it wasn’t Patton’s fault.

The fact was that he let his emotions get the best of him. When Patton interrupted him, his anger controlled him. Not only anger, but… fear.

When Patton had interrupted him, his mind had immediately flashed back to his nightmares, back to dark and empty but still entirely too vivid and realistic scenes of _mouths sewn shut, trapped behind glass, people laughing – **friends** laughing, and pointing, and **not listening** –_

He’d been afraid. That was a fact, he couldn’t ignore it. He’d been afraid, and it mutated itself into anger, and he lashed out at the closest person he could find.

That wasn’t very _logical_ , though, was it?

As soon as his rage started speaking for him, he knew he’d gone too far. He’d twisted Patton’s words and made them barbed, morphed them into Patton’s own insecurities he could use against him.

He’d lied.

And even after all that, Patton could see. Patton could see right through him, clear as crystal.

Patton had still offered him truce, a metaphorical extended hand, a bridge to cover the gap he’d made.

And he’d denied it.

Sitting on his bed where he’d been since slamming his door, Logan raised his hands to run them down his face in contempt and groaned.

He was no longer angry with Patton, but with himself.

He sighed and glanced at his bedside alarm clock. He’d been contemplating his actions for a few hours, and Patton was most definitely asleep by now. He should probably try to get more sleep himself.

He’d seek Patton out and apologize soon. He _had_ to.

He knew.

-

_Someone is having a panic attack_.

Virgil shot up in his bed and yanked off his headphones, now wide awake. His mind was racing, he was sweating, and his chest ached. He reached up a hand to rub at it. These were his signs of another side having an anxiety attack.

Whenever he sensed another side feeling more-than-usual amounts of anxiety, or anyone having anxiety attacks, it felt almost identical to his own. There was just a smidgeon, just a hint of something deep in the pit of his stomach that always gave way to the fact that it was someone else.

But who?

He closed his eyes and tried to focus, tried to feel for whoever it was, but before he could really get a lead, it had passed.

He opened his eyes again and sat, thinking on what he should do.

Should he go now and try to find whoever it was? What if it had been Deceit? Or Remus?

After a few minutes, he realized that no matter who it was, that attack had been awful for them. If the subsequent anxiety was strong enough to not only reach him, but for it to _wake him_?

Virgil chewed on the inside of his cheek in thought. On the one hand, if it had been Deceit or Remus, he wanted nothing to do with it. At all. On the other hand, if it was Roman, or Logan, or Patton… He couldn’t just let that slide.

Alright, he told himself, tomorrow he would leave his room, find each (Light) side, and ask what was up. He’d find whichever one of his family it was, and then they’d talk it through.

He promised.

-

Roman had been painting when he heard the door slam, and it caused him to ruin a brush stroke when he jumped.

Grumbling to himself, he grabbed a paper towel and dabbed away as much excess ‘ruby red’ paint as he could. Great, now he’d have to paint that spot on the ivory column _all over again_.

Who even slammed their door? Was this imaginary house filled with people raised in imaginary barns?

He moved to stand and go find the cause of the commotion but stopped himself when he realized it could have involved Patton, and Patton could still be out there.

Roman’s mouth quirked to the side as he considered his options. While it _had_ been a couple weeks since he’d blown up at Patton, and that _was_ the last time he’d spoken to him, and he _was_ sorry for it… Was he really ready to speak to him again? Patton had told him he understood that Roman was angry, and he’d sounded sincere in saying so, so he would be okay no matter how long of a time Roman took to collect himself and his thoughts, right?

After all, he still had Logan and Virgil to talk to… right?

And… Janus.

Shaking his head forcefully, he leaned towards his painting again. He’d give it some time, and then would go see if he could find out what happened.

After about an hour, he’d fixed up the spot on the column and finished adding the roses to the rose bush. He sat back, looking the progress of his painting over, and sighed when he realized he was unhappy with it so far. He needed a break.

Might as well see if he could uncover the truth of the door slam, then.

Opening his door a crack, he peeked through. Once he didn’t see anyone in the hallway, he snuck down it, taking a peek into the living room.

Still no one. Good.

He glanced to the kitchen, and once again, saw no one there, but he _could_ spot the cookware in the sink.

_Patton_.

Cookware in the sink meant that Patton had cooked dinner.

His stomach growled at the thought.

Now certain of his surroundings, he loosened his muscles and walked casually to the fridge. Upon opening, however, he found no new food.

… That was strange.

What had Patton used the pans for if not to cook food? Roman felt his brow furrow as he spun in a circle in place, looking for evidence as to what had happened. Nothing on the counters, nothing on the dinner table…

Taking a couple steps over, he saw the trash can.

With the food in it.

Now that was even more strange.

It seemed as though Patton had been cooking some alfredo, by the looks of the sauce. His stomach growled again. He really wished Patton hadn’t thrown it away.

Why _had_ Patton thrown it away?

Was it _Patton_ who slammed a door?

… Was Patton all right?

Roman looked down at the pasta, then up towards the hallway. Down again, and up again. Once more.

Sighing, he walked back to his room.

He hoped Patton was okay, but…

He _wasn’t_ ready yet.

…

The next morning, a knock sounded on his door.

“Roman, open up. I need to talk to you.”

Virgil?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE i am a vegetarian vampire feeding on comments instead of blood PLEASE don't let me starve!
> 
> also i might have cookies
> 
> (also thank you all SO MUCH for the comments and love thus far you all have NO IDEA how much it means to me)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ..................unless???
> 
> (also remember that warning for roman & logan in previous chapters? ... now it's for virgil!)
> 
> stay safe friends :)

If Patton made dinners the following week, he did so soundlessly, quickly, and dressed in his standard clothes.

_If_ he made dinners.

Half the time, he slept entire days away. The other half, he awoke around lunch time, stayed in his safe and as-warm-as-possible bed, unmoving and hardly thinking, until an alarm he added sounded on his phone and told him to go do one of the only things he could do right for his family – cook them something.

On the days that he was awake, he wished he weren’t. He didn’t want to sound dramatic if anyone asked, but he was just _so very tired_. When he was awake, he kept his eyes closed and let time pass. When the alarm would go off, he didn’t immediately move to turn it off. He would fantasize about letting it go until it turned itself off, and never getting up. Staying safe, and tucked in, and sleeping. He let himself do it one night, but the ensuing guilt ate him right up, so he didn’t do it again.

When he tried to change his clothes, either the old fashioned way or by conjuring, he got winded. So he just kept his everyday outfit on all the time. That way, if anyone needed him, he would be ready and willing.

He hoped that would make Logan proud.

Tonight Patton woke from a dreamless sleep and cracked his eyes open.

Then closed them back again.

Thankful that he was sleepy enough to fall back asleep, he sighed as he started to drift off once more.

Then the phone alarm went off.

He sighed again, but otherwise got up.

Technically, it was a Virgil night, but Patton really wanted to just make something easy. He felt bad as he took the boxed shells & cheese from the cabinet but took comfort in the fact that this was at least Virgil’s (and Thomas’s) favorite brand of macaroni and cheese.

Logan would probably be displeased at the idea of boxed macaroni and cheese, especially one that came with the cheese in a nondescript pouch, but it was the best Patton had for tonight.

As the water started heating for a boil, Patton walked over to check the fridge of its contents.

Speaking of Virgil, it seemed he and Roman hadn’t been eating dinner the past few nights. Or, at least, if they had, it wasn’t from Patton. Patton nodded to himself in stubborn determination, knowing he’d pour Virgil’s into a bowl and take it to him.

Or, to his door, rather, since he still hasn’t come out.

At least, not to Patton’s knowledge.

The rest he’d pour into a larger tupperware container and leave in the fridge for all who wanted any. Besides tonight, he wasn’t taking anyone their food personally anymore. He loved and missed everyone, he really, truly did, but if he got into one more argument, he was going to lose it.

He hadn’t really gotten into _arguments_ , per se. That would imply that he’d argued back. It was more like ‘if I disappoint and/or anger one more person that I love I’m going to go to my room and never come out ever again’ – alright, that was a bit dramatic… but still.

When the water finally boiled, he poured in the shells, set a timer on his phone, and began waiting. Watching the boiling water, his mind wandered even more to Virgil. Where he knew Logan was upset with him for not listening – which was _fair_ , completely fair – and Roman was upset with him for… basically _gaslighting_ him, the more Patton thought about it – which was _awful,_ and _terrible_ , and he didn’t know if Roman could ever forgive him for that – he didn’t really know if Virgil was _upset_ with him.

He’d guessed so, since he hadn’t spoken to him in weeks and the last time he was speaking to him it was in irritable insults, but Virgil could also just be having a tough time with his own anxiety. Patton could understand that’s what had happened that night as they watched Frozen instead of going to the party - he just wished he knew now.

He missed his best friend.

The timer went off, and Patton moved to drain the shells. After this, he returned them to the pot, added the cheese, gave a few stirs and _tada_! He was done!

Thank the heavens.

Just as he planned, he scooped out one bowl and one tupperware container, respectively. Sliding the tupperware into the fridge, putting the pot in the sink, and grabbing a fork, Patton headed on to Virgil’s room.

When he knocked, he didn’t expect an answer. He was ready to tell Virgil through the door, set it down, and walk away all over again, but to his utter surprise, the door opened.

Virgil saw it was Patton, took a step out into the hallway, and closed the door behind him. In the few seconds Patton could make out his room behind him, he spotted telltale red pajama pants and white t-shirt amongst the black and purple.

Roman?

“Patton.” Virgil said tensely.

Oh, he was already wishing he didn’t do this.

“Virgil!” Patton greeted. Taking a deep breath he hoped Virgil didn’t notice, he added some cheer to his tone and tried to prepare for what came next. “I noticed you haven’t been eating the past few nights, so I brought you some dinner!” He smiled as brightly as he could and held the bowl out to Virgil.

Virgil didn’t take it.

“You came to bring me _dinner_?” Virgil asked him, incredulous. “When were you going to come tell me about _this_?!” He raised his arm to gesture wildly at Janus’s door not but a few feet away.

“Oh,” Patton said. He opened his mouth to start explaining, but Virgil beat him to it.

“Oh? _Oh_? You neglect to tell me the person I hate most in the world has now become my neighbor and all you say is ‘ _oh_ ’?”

“You haven’t come out of your room in weeks, Virgil,” Patton tried. “And I don’t think Janus had any say in the matter, either. His room just showed up there after we talked.”

Where Virgil had started to drily laugh like he couldn’t believe what Patton was saying at him bringing up the fact he hasn’t come out of his room, he froze at the mention of Janus’s real name.

“Don’t.” He said coldly, pointing at Patton in a warning gesture, and then pointing to Janus’s room again as he started his next words, “Calling that _snake_ by any other name makes you forget who he is.” Virgil’s hand dropped to his side again. “Or have you forgotten _who he is_ , Patton?”

“Virgil, I…” Patton’s eyes pleaded with Virgil as he moved his free arm to wrap around himself. “I haven’t forgotten who he is. But he’s more than just ‘Deceit’.”

“ _Bullshit_.” Virgil spat. “Don’t be _stupid_ , Patton. He’s ‘ _Deceit_ ’, and he’s called that for a _reason_.”

Patton felt desperate now, wishing he could understand why Virgil was so adamant about this. “And Remus is also called ‘Creativity’,” he tried, “We should give them a chance.”

“ _Remus_?!” Virgil yelled. “ _Remus_ is a part of this, too?!” He looked Patton up and down as if he’d find an imposter in his place, a monster instead of his friend. “Listen, Pat, I don’t know what kind of bullshit and lies they’ve filled your loveable, _gullible_ little head with, but you should _never_ give them a chance. _Ever_.”

Alright, _ouch_. That hurt a little more than he wanted it too.

“We gave _you_ a chance,” Patton pleaded, “and look where we are now!”

Patton could see Virgil’s breath stutter. He moved like he wanted to take a step away from him, but his back was already against his door. “I am _nothing_ like _them_ ,” Virgil growled, “And I _never will be._ ” He breathed hard for a couple seconds, like he was really making sure of what he was going to say next. “I’m not doing this with you, Pat. It’s _them_ , or it’s _me_.”

Now it was Patton’s turn for his breath to stutter.

“Virgil, I…”

“ _Now._ ”

Everything stood stock still and silent. In all but a few seconds, Patton had made up his mind. He knew what was right, and it hurt him to admit. He’d made too many mistakes recently, and he wasn’t going to let this be one of them. Tears formed in his eyes and his voice shook as he spoke.

“I… I’m sorry, kiddo. It’s the right thing to do.”

“ ** _Fine_**.” Virgil snarled, his tempest tongue now thundering, “ _Then I hate him, **and** **I hate you**_.”

The world stopped spinning. Time stopped ticking. This _couldn’t_ be reality.

Somewhere that felt like far away, he heard a slam. He heard a yell, something being thrown, and something breaking.

He heard it repeated.

“Ugh, I _hate_ him!”

“Mood.” He heard Roman say.

Patton was no longer in control of himself. He was far away and never coming back. He was swimming in underwater thoughts, drowning and choking on seawater and static. He was empty, cracked, _destroyed_.

When he moved, it was on autopilot. He watched himself walk to the kitchen counter and set the entire bowl in the trash. He watched himself walk back to his room and lock his door. He watched himself change his clothes, turn off his lights, and get into bed.

He didn’t leave it again after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this extra extra chapter was brought to you by the fact that i am elated with joy writing this story and sharing it with you all, and your comments about what might happen next AND the fact that while i so desperately wanted the self-control to wait so you all could really enjoy the cliffhanger i also can't wait to see what you all think of this chapter!. to the few of you thinking roman and virgil were going to have talked about something else... i'm sorry pls the comfort will come soon i promise


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i should probably update the description to say "updates twice a day" at this point, huh? because i'm doing it again

“Virgil?”

Roman blinked in surprise and gave his friend a confused and awkward wave in greeting.

“I haven’t seen you in… weeks.”

Virgil crossed his arms over his chest and huffed out a fake laugh, turning his head so he didn’t have to make eye contact with the creative side. “Yeah… I need to talk to you.”

Roman stepped aside, holding the door open with enough room for him to come in.

When Virgil did so, he noticed how Roman’s room was… frankly, a _mess_.

“What happened in here?” He asked, looking around. Various unfinished art projects were strewn about all over the floor, some of them he could half-see depicting scenes or emotions that weren’t really Roman’s usual style.

“Oh, uh, I’ve been…” Roman sat on his bed and sighed, opting to be open and honest with Virgil. It felt good, for a change. “I’ve really been trying to figure out how I feel since our most recent video with Thomas.”

Virgil nodded, walking over to sit on Roman’s bed with him, knowing he was completely welcome. He pulled his legs up to cross them underneath. “Oh…” He started, picking up an uncompleted pencil and paper drawing portraying Roman as the hero Virgil knew him to be, tall and confident over a bleeding… snake-like dragon and a… frog? Maybe? To be fair, that was the uncompleted part of the piece. “What happened?”

When Virgil was met with silence, he looked back up. Roman was staring at him.

“What?” he asked, the staring putting him on edge.

“Are… Are you serious?” Roman questioned.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” He questioned back.

“Patton didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me _what_ , Roman?” Virgil was going to rip all his hair out and then all of Roman’s if the creative side kept this up.

“…Deceit?” Roman asked, looking at him as if that would _tell him anything_.

“What about Deceit? Did he impersonate someone again?”

“No, he – well, actually, yes, at one point, but –”

“ _Roman_.” Virgil said.

“Right, sorry.” Roman took a deep breath as if he were a doctor about to deliver some terrible news. Virgil was bewildered, his anxiety starting to build up in his chest. “He was accepted.”

Virgil’s back shot ramrod-straight as he stared at the Prince like he’d grown a second, mustached head. “ _What_?”

“Have you really not noticed?” Roman asked him, “His door popped up in _our_ hallway, right beside yours.”

Dumbfounded and not wanting to believe it, Virgil said, “…Patton’s room is beside mine.”

“Other side, Virge.” Roman said.

“What _happened_?” Virgil questioned, “I’m gone for one video and suddenly he’s been _accepted_ … by _Thomas_?”

“And Patton.” Roman provided.

“ _What?!_ ”

“They think he was right.” Roman told him, “About the callback, and the wedding.”

“Okay, alright,” Virgil put his hands out in a ‘slow-down’ gesture. “Start from the beginning.”

-

Every day the week following, Virgil and Roman were together.

Sometimes in Roman’s room, sometimes in Virgil’s, the two had decided that even if everything else in the mindscape was insane, they had each other.

It was while they were watching a Disney marathon on Virgil’s laptop to cheer Roman up from a _particularly_ bad day that someone knocked on the door.

Virgil paused the movie – Beauty and the Beast, one of Roman’s all-time favorites – and got off his bed to walk to the door. When he opened it, he almost immediately stepped out and closed it behind him, but Roman had seen enough of the person standing there to know it had been Patton.

He scooted over on the bed so he could hear what they were saying on the other side.

He heard Patton offer dinner to Virgil and felt a flare of jealousy rise up in him. Why didn’t Patton bring _him_ dinner?

Oh, right… He’d kind of berated Patton for bothering him last time.

Nevertheless, he and Virgil hadn’t even been eating Patton’s dinners recently anyway. After hearing about the whole ordeal, Virgil had refused, and routinely went to the kitchen and grabbed their favorite snacks and brought them back, and they lived off of that.

Roman didn’t tell Virgil, but there was one night he could just _smell_ the garlic roasted potatoes, and he’d wanted to give it all up right then just to eat some.

“– Janus had any say in the matter, either. His room just showed up there after we talked.”

If that were true, Roman had no idea. He just knew that by the time he’d come out of his room again for the first time after sinking into it that day, there the yellow door was at the end of the hall.

Like it belonged there.

“– he’s more than just ‘Deceit’.”

Roman snorted. Yeah, sure, he guessed you could also call him ‘dishonesty’, or ‘deception’, or ‘treachery’.

“Don’t be _stupid_ , Patton. He’s –”

Roman’s eyebrows raised as he looked away from the door, but still kept his head tilted. That was one he knew went straight for Patton’s insecurity, no holding back. Virgil must really be mad.

“– Remus is also called ‘Creativity’. We should give them a chance.”

His blood ran cold.

Remus?

“ _Remus_?!” He heard Virgil shout, echoing his thoughts.

Had Patton been talking… to Remus? What for?

~~Was it to replace him?~~

“We gave _you_ a chance and look where we are now!”

_Patton, no, absolutely the worst thing to say to Virgil right now, Patton_ –

“– it’s _them_ or it’s _me_.”

_Oh._

_Oh_ , _Virgil was serious_.

“– I’m sorry, kiddo…”

_Was **Patton** serious?_

Patton, their father-figure figment, was choosing Janus ‘Deceit’ Sanders not _only_ over him, but also over _Virgil_?

They were his _family_!

“– **_I hate you_** –”

For the second time that night, his blood ran cold. That was… _a lot_ , to say the least.

And then Virgil was back in the room with him, slamming the door in Patton’s face and breathing heavily. Roman didn’t know what to say as he watched Virgil look around his room, walk over to a purple plate on his floor left there from the ‘before-time’, pick it up, and throw it across the room.

Where it broke against the wall.

Okay, maybe he actually needed to _do something_ about this.

“Ugh, I _hate_ him!” Virgil shouted, starting to pace.

“Mood.” Roman couldn’t stop himself from saying.

He waited a few minutes to make sure Virgil wasn’t going to break any other objects in anger before speaking up again.

“We don’t… actually hate Patton… right?” He asked quietly.

“ _Of **course** not_!” Virgil said exasperatingly, his tempest tongue still present but considerably weaker. He walked back over to sit next to Roman on the bed again. Elbows resting on his knees, he put his head in his hands where they clutched onto his hair. Virgil groaned in what sounded like anguish and moved his hands to where the palms covered his eyes.

To Roman’s surprise and somewhat horror, he realized Virgil was crying.

“Virgil.” He said calmly, reaching out to place a hand on his back and starting to rub. “Virgil, hey, it’s all right.”

“What if it isn’t?” Virgil asked him, voice strained with tears and not moving from his position. “What if… What if Janus is around _all the time_ , and he’s _helpful_ for Thomas, and then Thomas sees _just how useless_ I am, and he doesn’t _need me_ anymore, and then **_no one_** _needs me, or **wants me around** anymore_, _and he replaces me_ , _and then_ _I’m **alone** , and it’s like the Dark Side all over again, and _–”

“Virgil, stop.” Roman told him, scooting as close as possible now. “You’re panicking, Virge, you’ve got to breathe.” He continued to rub his back in small circles, just like Patton would do for him whenever he had nightmares. “4-7-8, remember? 4-7-8.”

Virgil practiced his breathing technique and Roman did it along with him. He uncurled himself and sat up straight, leaning into Roman’s touch to ground him.

“Okay, so first of all,” Roman started when Virgil was breathing semi-normally again, “It _is_ all right. And if it _isn’t_ , it’s _going to be_.”

“But –” Virgil tried.

“Nope, shut up. _Everything_ is all right in the end, and if it isn’t all right, it’s not the end.” Roman said – also from Patton, whenever he was having trouble with his own creativity. “Second of all, you’re not useless. I have no idea where you got _that_ idea from, but go ahead and throw it out, ‘cause it’s garbage. And, no matter how helpful or not helpful Janus is, it doesn’t reflect anything upon _you_.”

“What about me is _useful_ , Ro?” Virgil asked in a whisper. “I’m _Anxiety_ , I hurt Thomas.”

“Do you _not_ remember this entire conversation we’ve had before? _You make us better, remember_?” Roman told him.

“I… I remember.” Virgil sniffed and wiped at his eyes, his hands hiding in his hoodie sleeves to make sweater paws. “I just…”

“Forgot.” Roman said.

Virgil chuckled.

“Also,” Roman added, “If anyone were to get replaced around here, it’d probably be _me_.”

At this, Virgil pulled away slightly, getting a better view of the Prince’s face.

“How could we _ever_ replace you?” Virgil asked him.

And oh, that got him.

He blinked, and the tears were there. He kept blinking, and they kept coming.

“ _Roman_ ,” Virgil said simply. Completing their half-hug by wrapping his arm around Roman as well, he chuckled again. “Roman, Remus isn’t your _replacement_ , he’s just your brother. If anything, if he got accepted, you’d both be needed.”

“And neither of us would be _listened to_.” Roman murmured.

Virgil paused for what felt like infinity.

“Oh, Roman…” He started, “Just tell Thomas that’s how you feel.”

“It’s _hard_.” Roman cried.

Virgil chuckled again but held him a little tighter. “Yeah… I know.”

They sat like that for a while, letting the tear tracks dry on their faces. Virgil’s dark eyeshadow now ran in streaks down his face.

“You should… probably clean your face off.” Roman told him eventually.

“And apologize to Patton.” Virgil breathed. At the mention of Patton, they both paused in uneasy silence.

“Soon. But I… he might also need some time. Like I did… You are his ‘best friend’.”

“Yeah… I’ll give him some time.” 


	10. Chapter 10

Janus was starting to get worried.

Any time he tried to seek Patton out, his lights were off. Janus was pretty sure none of the other sides animal-like qualities were as strong as his, and therefore needed no extra care, but he hadn’t been this personal with them for very long and he honestly wasn’t sure. How similar were snakes to frogs? Did frogs need anything extra in their habitats? Was Patton now _more_ frog than before thanks to their encounter? Was he really sleeping _that much_?

It was also eerily quiet around here lately. He knew, of course, that he’d been a huge wrench in their living plans, but it’d been a _month_ , and he was utterly convinced these idiots never actually left their bedrooms.

Then, the metaphorical cherry on top, there was suddenly _no more dinners_. Rather, he’d guessed as such, since he only knew of dinners when he could smell them cooking. Up until about a week ago, he’d thought that they all ate together, and he’d thought he was being as respectful as he could of their time together to try and prove he didn’t mean any harm – then he realized they _weren’t_ eating together. Then he’d stopped smelling anything cooking at any time of day.

Janus paced in his bedroom, trying to think of ways to find out what in the world was up with Patton without being too outright – he didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. As he reached out and grabbed the last honey cookie he had, thankful that in Thomas’s mind cookies never went stale, he decided he needed a distraction – not for the other sides, but for _Patton_.

He froze.

His plate was now empty.

_Perfect_.

Janus grabbed the plate and was instantly out the door.

At Patton’s door, he could see the lights were off _still_. He hesitated for only a moment, but then strengthened his resolve. He _would_ find out what’s wrong with his newfound friend, and he _would_ do his best to remedy it.

He knocked lightly.

No answer.

He knocked again, just a bit harder this time.

“Who is it?” He heard Patton ask. Something about his voice sounded… different. Not a good kind of different, either.

“It’s Janus.” He answered quietly, but still loud enough for Patton to hear.

A few seconds later, he heard the click of the door unlocking – why was it _locked_? – and then Patton opened it.

Janus did his best to keep his composure.

Patton looked _wrecked_. Just glancing him over, Janus could see he was noticeably thinner and paler, his eyes were red-rimmed and had dark circles underneath them, he looked as though he hadn’t brushed his hair in _days_ from what he could see poking out of the hood he had up, and despite the signature cat hoodie said hood was attached to and the fluffy pajama bottoms, Patton seemed to be shivering.

Had he fallen ill?

Had no one else noticed?

“Hey, Janus,” Patton greeted, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Did you need something from me?”

“Just your time, if that’s all right?” Janus asked sincerely. “I was wondering if we could have a chat.”

“Oh,” Patton frowned, “Did I… do something wrong?”

If Janus didn’t know any better, it was almost like Patton was implying that he already knew the answer, and that he assumed the answer to be ‘yes’. His eyes looked to be tearing up _already_.

“No! Not in the slightest,” He reassured him, glancing him up and down once more when he seemed to sigh in relief, “I just wanted to ask you what I had done to deserve such _delicious_ cookies from you?”

Patton smiled at him, and this time it looked much more genuine. “You don’t have to _earn_ cookies, Jan. I baked them for you because I wanted you to enjoy them.”

Janus blinked at him.

“Oh, well,” He cleared his throat and grappled for the next thing to talk about. “How did you know I liked honey so much?”

Patton seemed to sag against the doorframe. “Could we… go the kitchen and sit?” He asked. “I think that’d be much more comfortable.”

_Yes!_ Janus mind cheered.

“Absolutely.” He smiled.

He stepped back and halfway bowed, moving his arms as if he were chauffeuring Patton to the kitchen. When Patton stepped out to lead them and started walking, Janus watched for any more signs of anything being wrong from behind him.

“Remus told me you liked honey.” Patton answered him as he sat in the wooden chair across from Janus.

Janus paused.

Patton must’ve seen the confusion on his face because he quickly supplied, “I don’t think he meant to tell me so easily.” Patton looked down at his hands and laughed lightly. “I went over to ask him what kind of cookies he likes – well, actually, I went to ask him what kind of food he likes, and I somehow landed on cookies,” Patton glanced back up at him, and he nodded to show he was paying attention. “and at first he told me ‘fingernail cookies’ – so that’s what I made him!” Patton laughed, but it didn’t carry much energy to it at all.

“You made him the fingernail cookies?” Janus asked him, astounded. Not only that Patton had purposefully went to Remus to ask him what he likes to eat, which implied he hoped of making things Remus liked to eat in the future, but also that he’d taken the side seriously when he’d said ‘fingernails’, of all things.

“Yeah,” Patton admitted, “I had to close my eyes.”

Janus watched him, and suddenly very easily understood why Virgil was so overprotective of him.

“And I had made them chocolate,” Patton kept explaining, and Janus kept listening, “because I guessed that he liked chocolate – I also tried to just focus on that while I was making them. It helped too.” Again, Patton glanced at him, and again, he nodded. “When I tried to take them to him he wasn’t in his room, so I left them on his desk. But then later that night he came to my door and _apologized_ , and said he actually liked peanut butter cookies. Who would’ve guessed that?”

So, Remus had been shown some affection for once, and it caused him to be so grateful he actually apologized to Patton and told him his actual preference. Good. Janus hoped that continued.

“You left mine at my doorstep.” Janus reminded.

“Oh! Yeah, your lights were out, so I assumed you were asleep.” Patton said.

“Ah,” Janus smiled to him, just a grin, as if they were both in on some inside secret, “I keep my lights dim all the time. Bright lights hurt my eyes and give me headaches after a while.”

“Oh, do we need to change the lightbulbs around here?” Patton asked. “Is it bothersome outside of your room?”

Janus blinked at him again.

“Uh, no, no. It… it’s only a problem after prolonged exposure, and even then, it’s nothing more than a simple headache.”

“All right, just, let me know if you need us to do anything about it. Logan gets those too, you know. He just gets overwhelmed sometimes, especially if he overworks himself.”

“Thank you.” He said.

“Of course.” Patton replied.

He and Janus took a moment to sit in silence, catching a few breaths.

“Oh, Patton, speaking of those cookies, I was wondering if maybe you’d like to show me how to make them?” Janus offered, his eyebrows raising in question. “We could share them afterwards, if you’d like?”

Patton smiled and hummed. “I’m… not really hungry, but I’d be happy to bake you some more, and show you how along the way.”

_He’s not hungry._ Janus noted.

“That sounds wonderful, Patton.” He cocked his head slightly in question, trying to make it appear more casual conversation than interrogation. “If you aren’t hungry, then perhaps we could share a pot of tea… Do you like chamomile?”

Patton looked like he was going to say no, and then said, “Sure!” just to please him. He felt bad for going with it, but if that’s what it took to make sure the moral side was ingesting _something_ , he’d do it.

Patton stood and led him over to the stove. He politely asked Janus to gather the ingredients and utensils needed and reached over the stove to click on one of the stovetop burners. When he rolled up his sleeves, Janus glanced his arms over.

You never knew. Better to be safe than sorry.

_His arms are fine_. He noted.

He and Patton genuinely had a nice, relaxing time baking together. Patton had his batch, and Janus had his, and he paid sincere attention to everything Patton said – he _never_ wanted to forget these cookies. Patton wasn’t his usual, over-the-top in cheer self, but he didn’t need to be. Janus hoped this was as relaxing for Patton as it was for him.

After he stood back up from bending over to slide their cookie trays into the oven, Patton let out a soft laugh.

“I forgot to start the kettle,” He told Janus. “Ah, well, I’ll do it now. That way we can have some tea while we wait.”

“I’d love that.” Janus told him.

Janus was standing on the other side of the counter as he watched Patton open a cabinet above the stove. Apparently the kettle was on a higher shelf than he would have expected, and Patton seemed to have to stand on his tip-toes a bit to reach it.

Suddenly, something like a gasp escaped Patton, and instead of reaching the kettle in the cabinet, he was tripping forward.

Onto the stovetop.

He naturally tried to brace himself with his arm, but it was _still_ a stovetop, that was _on_ , and Patton yelped as his arm burned, but it came out hoarse and a bit gravelly.

“Patton!”

Janus ran over to him as quickly as he could, but not fast enough to stop Patton from awkwardly stumbling and sticking out his hands to push him up from the stove, as if he were too weak to just step away. This led to his hand getting burnt as well, but this time, Patton only let out a small hiss in pain.

Seeing him struggle to stand upright, Janus did the first thing his panicked brain thought, and he grabbed the back of Patton’s hood and _yanked_ him away from the stove.

The yank pulled him away, thankfully, but it also pulled Patton closer to him, colliding, and them both falling to the kitchen floor.

With Patton landing on top of him, he could feel how lightweight he was. But then Patton was sitting up and hunching over, cradling his arm and hand to his chest.

Janus paused for just a moment.

No one came to see what happened.

Did they not _hear_ it?

“I’m so sorry I pulled at you like that, Patton,” Janus said, already moving to where he was kneeling in front of Patton instead of behind him. “I was just trying to get you away from the stove.”

“I know.” Patton sniffled.

Oh, Janus _hated_ seeing him cry, he _just_ decided.

“Patton, are you all right? Is your burn too severe?” Janus asked him, setting his gloves aside and reaching his hands out to hold Patton’s arm if the moral side allowed him to look it over.

Patton took a deep breath and let it out. “No,” He said, holding it out for Janus to see, “I just… wasn’t expecting it to happen. Frightened me, is all.”

Inspecting the burn, Janus could see it was thankfully just a first-degree.

“That’s all right – perfectly normal, even. I don’t think many people expect to get burned on their stovetops.” Janus told him. “If you stand and come over to the sink with me, I’ll treat it for you.”

Patton did as instructed, waiting along with Janus at the kitchen sink as they waited for the water temperature to be a suitable cool to Janus.

“You know how to treat burns?” Patton questioned, trying to fill the sudden silence.

“I know how to treat plenty of wounds,” Janus answered, “Remus and Virgil offered me plenty of practice when –” He froze, his hand under the running water.

“Virgil?” Patton asked in a whisper.

“I… I didn’t mean to tell you that.” Janus admitted. “That’s… I shouldn’t have said that. That’s personal information. Please, forgive me, Patton.”

“It’s okay,” Patton told him, his voice still quiet, “You didn’t mean to. I won’t mention it.”

“Thank you,” Janus sighed. He’d decided the water was a cool enough temperature – cool, but not _cold_ – and gently led Patton to keep his arm under it. “Keep it there until the pain stops, all right?” When Patton nodded, he continued, “As I was saying, Remus gets into all _sorts_ of trouble. He gets injured near constantly.”

Patton frowned, but hummed in understanding.

Janus let the silence linger, trying to allow Patton enough time to calm down from the entire experience.

Then he noticed Patton’s shivering.

“Are you cold, Patton?”

“Yeah,” Patton admitted to him, “It’s been really cold around here, recently? So I started wearing my cat hoodie,”

Janus _knew_ this hoodie was not worn whenever Patton was merely _cold_.

“and with the sleeves rolled up, and this freezing water,”

Janus also knew the water was not _freezing_.

“I guess it’s just getting to me a bit more.” Patton finished, laughing again, but it was weaker now. His eyelids seemed to be drooping, and every so often he would switch his weight to the other foot to keep himself alert.

A few more minutes in silence, and it really seemed to Janus like Patton was about to fall asleep, right there, arm still in the sink.

He was rapidly coming to the conclusion that he thought Patton must be sick.

Should he go find Logan?

“Does it still hurt?” Janus asked him calmly, trying to keep him awake, if nothing else but in pure worry he’d hurt himself more in falling over again.

“Hmm?” Patton hummed, then looked over at his arm again. “Oh… no, I think I’m all right now.”

“Well, not quite yet.” Janus said, “Do you keep a first aid kit somewhere?”

“Top of the fridge.” Patton told him, now fully yawning.

Slightly embarrassed, Janus stood on his tiptoes and tried his best to hide the small jump he had to do to reach how far back the first aid kit was. Once he’d grabbed it, he pulled it down and set it on the counter, taking out the non-adhesive gauze bandages and walked back over to Patton.

He shut off the sink, grabbed a paper towel, and started as gently as possible patting the skin dry. When he was done with that, he wrapped the burns in the bandages until his arm and hand were efficiently covered.

“There,” Janus said, walking over to put the bandage roll back in the kit, and the kit back where it belonged. “ _Now_ you’re finished.”

“Thanks, Jan.” Patton mumbled, smiling at him and dropping his arm back down, letting the sleeves fall back as he did so.

Right then, the timer on the oven went off, signaling the cookies had finished. If Janus were being honest, he’d completely forgotten about them.

“I’ll get them.” He told Patton.

He didn’t tell him the part about how he mostly didn’t trust Patton around the stove again right now.

Patton had walked over to grab Janus’s plate, and now brought it to the counter next to the cookie sheets. “If you grab an oven mitt and a spatula, you can take the cookies off the pan and put them on your plate – when you leave them on the pan, they continue to cook since it’s still hot, and that’s how you get burnt bottoms.” He explained.

Janus nodded wisely and did as instructed, Patton watching on.

Once he finished, he set the plate aside and quickly cleaned everything before Patton had the chance to exert himself further.

As Janus walked back over to his abandoned gloves on the floor and slipped them back on, Patton yawned again, and said, “It’s pretty late. I’m, uh… I’m going to go to bed. This was really nice.”

“I agree.” Janus said simply. “We _mustn’t_ do it again sometime.” He grinned at Patton the same way he had earlier, hoping it would make him smile once more.

“You know, if you ever want me to make them again, all you have to do is ask.” Patton was smiling, and while tired and almost dopey, it was real. “Or anything else, for that matter.”

“Noted.” Janus replied. They walked back to Patton’s door, and as Patton opened it, Janus panicked – he still didn’t know what was _really_ going on with him.

“Uh, Patton, could I actually… ask you something… in your room?” He tried.

“Oh, uh, sure,” Patton said, “Come on in.”

Once he softly clicked the door shut behind them, Janus quickly decided what to say. He hesitated for half a moment, unsure of whether it would be too far too quickly, but it was worth a shot.

It was _Patton_.

“Uh, I’ve been… having some trouble sleeping.” He lied, making himself look more bashful. He honestly had to look away from the sympathetic look Patton offered him. “Forgive me if this is forward, but I know when then the others have… trouble, they…”

“Janus,” Patton said softly, “Do you want to sleep in my bed tonight?”

  
“I… Is that… all right?”

“More than all right, kiddo.” Patton chuckled, starting to move his multiple stuffed animals, pillows, and blankets to make space for the both of them. In all fairness, Patton’s bed was rather large once you could see the actual mattress itself. It was almost as if it was _made_ for giving comfort. “Like Roman had to tell Virgil one of the first times he’d stayed with me – ‘it’s only weird if you make it weird’!” Patton chuckled again, but he wasn’t facing Janus, and it suddenly sounded… _sad_.

Janus conjured himself into pajamas before Patton could turn around, just to make it easier.

When Patton was finished rearranging, he pat the bed as an invitation. Once Janus started climbing in, he walked over to his lights and flicked them off.

“Thank you, Patton.” Janus said, scooting as close as possible to the wall to leave Patton his space.

“You’re welcome.” Patton replied. After he’d gotten comfortable himself, he added, “Now, _actually_ get comfortable and go to sleep.”

Janus chuckled a bit and rolled onto his side, now facing Patton.

“Night, Jan.” Patton whispered, sounding like he was already half-asleep – which he probably was.

“Goodnight, Patton.”

-

“ _Please_.”

The small sound brought Janus back to reality, and he confusedly blinked his eyes open.

“ _Please… no._ ”

Everything snapping back together, Janus looked around, finally seeing Patton.

While he was in the same position as when he’d fallen asleep, Patton had turned to mirror him in his. He’d somehow scooted lower on the bed, his head now not on a pillow, but halfway buried into Janus’s chest. He’d apparently been crying for a while because Janus could feel the wet spots on his shirt, along with Patton’s hands clutching at the bottom of it.

“ ** _Please_**.” Patton pleaded again, more desperate this time.

“Patton,” Janus said, moving his arm to place his hand on Patton’s upper arm and rubbing gently, “Patton, wake up.”

“ _I’m **sorry**_.” Patton wailed.

“Patton.” Janus tried again. “Patton, it’s just a nightmare.”

When Patton whimpered instead of woke, he tried again.

“Pat –”

“ ** _No_**!” Patton yelled, jolting awake.

His walls exploded in purple behind him.

Janus had never seen anything like it in the mindscape – from what he could gather, the color of Patton’s walls were changing with his dilemma. They’d went a calming baby blue to giant streaks of violet, and they shifted and glistened as Patton panicked. He could hardly see it in the dark, but it was there.

“Patton, it was just a nightmare,” Janus soothed, still gently stroking Patton’s arm in comfort, “Everything’s all right.”

“He _hates_ me,” Patton cried, burying his head in Janus’s chest even more. “ _He **hates** me_.”

He let out a muffled cry into Janus’s chest.

Looking at the walls of Patton’s room once more, he could barely make out the purple color darkening, now including some streaks of black.

Virgil?

“Patton, I’m almost certain Virgil doesn’t hate you.” Janus attempted to soothe.

“He _told_ me!” Patton brokenly sobbed.

The walls were covered, now completely black.

_What_?

“ _He **hates** me… They…_” Patton took a shuddering breath before sobbing again, “ _They **all hate me**_.”

Janus could hear it when Patton started to hyperventilate, and it seemed the walls started to actually _ooze_ out black. It was honestly something he would have expected from the likes of Remus’s room, or Virgil’s.

He had to remind himself Patton wasn’t only Thomas’s _good_ emotions.

Head snapping everywhere, bewildered, Janus felt an uneasy panic start to settle in him as well.

Janus sat up, pulling Patton up with him.

“Patton,” he started, “We’re going to _my_ room now, okay?”

Climbing over Patton’s legs, Janus got out of the bed and stood. Taking Patton’s uninjured wrist, he lead him out into the hallway and two doors down to his bedroom. He felt bad for rushing him, but Patton didn’t fight it, and he’d just wanted to stop whatever his room was doing to him. Once they were in, he lead Patton to his bed and turned his heat lamp on – he hoped it would offer not only a calming amount of light, but also aid in warming Patton up.

And himself, since he was literally half snake.

Before he could ask Patton if he’d wanted to talk about whatever nightmare he’d obviously had, he turned and saw that Patton had collapsed into his bed and was already asleep again.

Sighing in worry, Janus walked over and all but tucked him into the blankets. Once he finished, he walked around the bed and laid down next to him.

Maybe he should seek out one of the others.

-

The following few days, Patton hardly woke.

Which was _distressing_ , to say the least.

He was conflicted on what to do, and most of the time he stayed and watched over Patton while debating on whether or not to seek out another side. While something was obviously wrong, he didn’t know if he’d be trusted enough to really explain what had happened, or if he’d be accused by the likes of Roman and Virgil of hurting Patton. The more days that passed, however, the more evident it was that Patton needed _help_.

Maybe he should ask Thomas.

As he debated that most recent plan, Patton stirred awake.

“Patton.” Janus greeted.

Patton sat up in the bed. “Hey, Jan.” He greeted back.

Janus didn’t stop the bigger smile that graced his features – this was a first in _days_.

“Patton, are –”

_A tug._

“Thomas is calling.” Patton said, still drowsy.

Janus hesitated, and felt the tug again, more urgent this time.

“I’ll be back.” He said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just want to let y'all know that i genuinely intended on uploading ONE chapter today and everything, but listen, i just keep getting so EXCITED to share the story with you!
> 
> thank you all so much for your comments and support you have made my past week so so wonderful thank you so much :')


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...........shhh........ it's secret chapter time...............
> 
> tw for cursing in this chapter!

When Janus rose up, what sounded like chaos greeted him.

He could hear yelling but could hardly make out anything specific being said. Looking around from his spot next to Logan, he could see that was because every other side there was shouting at each other all at the same time.

Remus stood next to Roman and seemed to be arguing with both him and Virgil. Logan was interrupting them, only for them to interrupt him, which in turn made him more angry and more like he needed to yell to be heard. Virgil periodically switched from yelling at Remus to turn and yell at Logan, which again, only fueled both their fires.

“Janus! Thank _God_.” Thomas said.

_That was a first._

He did his best to savor the small comment before moving on.

He turned to look at Thomas and saw him in some loungewear. He had on sweatpants, a t-shirt, and a jacket, and Janus wasn’t going to say it, but he didn’t necessarily smell the best. Despite the jacket he was shivering only slightly and every so often he’d raise his hand to rub at his chest as if it were aching.

His chest.

_His heart_.

“ _What_ is going on here, Thomas?” Janus asked him, head still facing him but moving his eyes to glance over at the four angry men.

“That’s what I wanted to ask you!” Thomas started, “Well, _all_ of you, not just you. I’ve been feeling like a… just, like, uh… like a dumpster fire, honestly!” Thomas laughed, but there was an edge of seriousness to it.

“Thomas, I have no idea the specifics behind ‘like a dumpster fire’.” Janus reminded him.

“Oh, yeah, so – I’ve been feeling sad? I mean, more sad than usual. More sad than normal?” Thomas glanced away from him, rubbing at his chest again. “Then my heart kept getting these… cramps? I don’t know. It’s not _cramping_ , really, it just sort of… hurts?” Thomas’s other hand came up to rub at his neck in awkwardness. “And, I mean, I know that’s a physical problem and you guys help me with my _mental_ or _emotional_ dilemmas, but I thought that maybe that in _combination_ with how I’ve been feeling lately…”

“You thought we might be able to help figure it out.” Janus finished.

“Yes! But, I tried just…” Thomas trailed off and looked away from him, almost guilty, “I tried just summoning Roman, Virgil, Logan, and Patton at first – but then everyone except Patton showed up. When I tried to start explaining, I didn’t even get to finish before they started arguing, and I couldn’t get them to _stop_ ,” Thomas waved in their direction as if to say ‘ _see_?’ “So I tried to summon you and Remus as well, since you guys are also sides and might also know what’s going on, but then _you_ didn’t show – at first – and everyone was _not_ happy Remus showed up – I think they didn’t realize _I_ was the one who asked him to show? So they started yelling at him too, and also, I don’t know what got into Remus, but you know, normally Remus is all ‘ _I don’t care what you think of me I’m just crazy_ ’, right? But today he’s arguing back with them and saying he’s _not_ the cause and –”

“ _Thomas_.” Janus interrupted.

“Sorry. Basically, something’s wrong, _they_ won’t stop,” Thomas gestured to them again, “and now everyone’s here except –”

“Hey, kiddo! You rang?”

_Patton_?!

“Patton!” Thomas cheered.

Neither could see Janus’s outright astonished face as he watched Patton from across the room. Patton had put his normal clothes back on, save for still wearing his cat hoodie over his shirt. He’d taken the hood down, brushed his hair, put his glasses back on, and was standing there as if he _hadn’t_ been Sleeping Beauty the past few _days_.

Thomas opened his mouth to start explaining to Patton, only for the three of them to cringe from the volume of Logan shouting something at Remus. Patton frowned and took his attention away from them and over to Logan himself.

“That wasn’t very nice, Log –”

“ _Shut up, Patton_!” Roman and Virgil yelled at him in unison.

Patton flinched away from them, and while Thomas turned to stare at the arguing four with an offended face on behalf of him, Janus kept his eyes on him.

Their voices sounded quieter as he kept his focus solely on Patton.

He heard Remus shout, “Hey! Don’t talk to him like that!”

“Don’t tell me how to talk to _my_ family!” Roman shouted back.

“I’m your family, too, _dipshit_ , I am _literally_ your brother!”

“Virgil, don’t you think that was a bit much?” Logan’s voice sounded.

Whatever anyone said next, he didn’t make out. Virgil irritably bit a response out at Logan, who in turn got angry all over again, and their cycle continued. Thomas tried intervening, but it helped nothing.

Patton’s eyebrows furrowed as he looked toward the ground, looking slightly confused as he started blinking a bit.

When he started to look eerily similar to himself days ago, at the kitchen sink, Janus thought ‘ _fuck this_ ’ and walked directly over to him. His back to everyone else to shield Patton from their, frankly, bullshit, he asked, “Patton, are you all right?”

“I’m fine, Jan.” Patton answered, but his voice was barely over a whisper and he wouldn’t look up from the floor. The more seconds passed, the more unsteady he looked.

“Patton, are you sure you’re –”

Patton crumpled.

“Patton!” Janus exclaimed, reaching out to catch him.

From behind, at almost exactly the same time, he heard someone yell out.

“Thomas!”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to group therapy the chapter!
> 
> edit: i forgot to add this but tw for disordered eating (kind of)

Catching Patton in his arms and going gently to the floor with him, Janus craned his neck to check and see if Thomas was okay.

Thomas had doubled over, clutching at his chest, but it seemed he was quickly recovering. If Janus had to guess, he’d say that Patton collapsing had an immediate physical reaction to Thomas, but it didn’t seem to be permanent, thank the heavens.

Standing back up again and muttering reassurances to the others, Thomas looked over at he and Patton, now kneeling together on the floor.

“Patton?” Thomas asked.

He sounded scared.

“I’m okay.” Patton murmured.

Janus pulled away from his arms that were still around him to look him over. He was still awake, he’d just collapsed. He was once again shivering and wouldn’t look up from the floor – or, at the moment, Janus’s chest.

“Thomas, if you’re sure you’re all right, could you grab the blanket from your couch?” Janus asked him.

Thomas nodded solemnly and went to do as instructed. He quickly returned, handed it to Janus, and Janus wrapped it around Patton in one fell swoop.

“I’m fine,” Patton protested weakly, but still bundled himself in the blanket as much as possible. “Can we just… sit down now?”

Janus moved so instead of being in front of Patton, he sat beside him, and watched as everyone else slowly sat on the floor in their respective places – save for Logan, who walked over and kneeled in front of Patton.

When he placed the back of his hand on Patton’s forehead, Patton leaned into the touch. Logan frowned. “He’s got no temperature.” He told them. Then, as if he just realized that it had been Janus who was there to catch Patton when he fell, he faced Janus and asked, “What happened to him?”

“I don’t know,” Janus started earnestly, reaching his arm over Patton’s back in a side-hug to try and help soothe him, thankful when Patton leaned into him. He ran his other hand through his hair as he spoke, “I hadn’t spoken to him very often since…” He glanced at Roman, not wanting to step on any toes, “…the altercation, and after a few weeks it seemed like he was leaving his room less and less – you all stopped eating together, or coming out of your rooms at all, I believe, and then he stopped cooking any meals for everyone. The few times I tried to go talk to him, his lights were off, so I assumed he was asleep, only, that meant he was sleeping _a lot_.”

Logan nodded, so he continued.

“I… started to get worried for him, so a few days ago I went to wake him up. He…” Again, Janus glanced around the room, knowing this would upset everyone to hear, “It was apparent he’d been crying, and that he was _freezing_ , but I didn’t want to push it – so I offered to bake some cookies with him as I know he loves that. He said he wasn’t hungry, but he’d still bake with me, so we did. Then, while that happened, we were going to have some tea, and he accidentally hurt his arm trying to reach the kettle,”

“His arm?” Logan asked, confused.

“I burnt it.” Patton supplied quietly.

Logan looked slightly dismayed as he looked back at Patton, but Janus continued.

“I bandaged it, and then he was starting to get sleepy, so he went back to his room. I was still worried, but again, I didn’t want…” He paused, trying to figure out how best to say it, “I didn’t want to push his boundaries, or anyone else’s. I’ve only recently been accepted, and I’ve been trying my best to show that I _truly_ mean no harm to _any_ of you. So, I…” He sighed and closed his eyes to say the next part. “I’m sorry, Patton, I lied to you. I said I’d been having trouble sleeping, and Patton offered for me to sleep in his room with him, and I graciously accepted. In the middle of the night he had this nightmare about –”

Knowing it was about Virgil, his eyes automatically looked over to him, but he hesitated. He didn’t want Virgil to feel he was attacking him, not right now. But before he could speak to lie, Virgil spoke.

“About me.”

Getting a good look at him, Janus could see he looked downright horrified at the current situation.

Telling the truth, Janus nodded.

Virgil let out a hard breath and looked back to Patton, who had his eyes closed on Janus’s shoulder.

“Something about… you, and hating him?”

Virgil’s face nearly began to crumple, but he still looked horrified. He turned his head away from everyone and tried to collect himself, and Janus took the opportunity to continue so the focus wasn’t on him.

“He was adamant that _everyone_ hated him. I thought it was just his nightmare, but he… he kept repeating it. He said someone told him, and since, as I said, I haven’t spoken to him very often, I have no idea if that was his nightmare or not.” Janus glanced around at the other three Light sides, discomfort growing in the pit of his stomach as he realized they all wore similar faces of shock and, moreso, _guilt_. “After he woke from this nightmare, I realized his room was doing him much more _harm_ than _good_ , so I brought him to my room, where he’s been asleep nearly constantly for days.”

After a beat of heavy silence, Logan asked lowly, “Patton, what was the last thing you ate?”

Patton opened his eyes and furrowed his brow, like he had to think on it.

“Patton, you… shouldn’t have to think that long about it.” Logan told him, frowning. “Do you not remember the last time you ate?”

Eventually, Patton whispered, “Before the video.”

No one spoke.

Janus unconsciously gripped him tighter.

“Patton, we filmed that video a _month_ ago.” Roman told him, voice near the verge of tears.

“You haven’t eaten for a _month_?” Thomas asked, trying not to yell in worry.

“I’m _fine_.” Patton objected quietly.

“Falsehood.” Logan said.

“We don’t _need_ to eat.” Patton continued, but there was no energy to his voice.

“You don’t?” Thomas asked. When Janus looked over at him, he saw Thomas looking worryingly to Logan.

“Technically,” Logan supplied, “no, we don’t. But…”

“It helps.” Virgil’s voice added.

“I… I just… haven’t been hungry.” Patton said.

Logan stood from his kneeled position and told the room, “I’ll be right back.”

It didn’t take him long to return, but while they waited, they sat in dreaded silence. Virgil still hadn’t looked at anyone again, Roman looked like he was going to cry of guilt, and Remus honestly resembled a scared child more than anything else as he watched Patton breathe.

When Logan returned, he was holding a plate in one hand and a glass in the other.

“Here,” He handed them to Patton, who accepted. As Logan walked back to his usual spot to join everyone in sitting on the floor, he continued, “I brought some toast and some water, as toast is known to aid in an upset stomach because it is bland and easy on the stomach. I also… put some apricot Crofters on it because I know that’s your favorite.”

Patton openly, brokenly _sobbed_.

Everyone was already paying attention to him regardless, but this made everyone’s eyes snap directly to him.

“Patton…” Janus soothed, moving to rub at his back.

“I…” Patton choked on another sob and went to cover his face with blanket-covered hands, toast and water abandoned where he’d sat them next to him, “I don’t – I don’t deserve it!”

For Thomas, it felt like someone had dumped ice water down his back, and it filled him with dread. Moving his whole body at an angle where he was sitting even moreso facing Patton, he said, “Patton, you _never_ have to earn food. _Ever_. It’s a thing you _need_.”

“Not just that!” Patton’s muffled voice yelled, “Everything! Every… Anything! I don’t – I – I can’t – ”

“Breathe, Patton.” Janus whispered to him. “Take your time. It’s okay.”

Patton sobbed for a few eternity-lasting seconds, and everyone watched on, horrified.

Patton pulled his face away from his hands and took a shaky breath, still crying. “I – ” He tried. He took another breath. “Can I say something, and no one interrupt me? Just, let me say it. I _need_ to say it.”

Confused, but caring _so_ _much_ for Patton, Thomas nodded, followed by everyone else.

“Janus,” Patton started, pulling away from him a small bit to better face him. His voice still shook with tears that continued to pour, but he kept going. “I know that you’ve been accepted, and that you and I have been friendly recently, but I never told you how _sorry_ I am for having treated you that way.” Janus blinked at him, shocked, but didn’t interrupt as he continued. “It was _stupid_ of me to be wary of you, or to think you only wanted to hurt Thomas. I went through everything with Virgil only to turn and do it all over again with you, and I hope you know I’m _sorry_.”

Turning to Remus, Patton went on, “Remus, the same goes to you.” Remus’s eyes looked like they were going to bulge out of his head (and knowing Remus, they probably might have if the situation were different). “I let your appearance scare me, and I can’t believe I ever thought you _evil_ , because I _know_ you aren’t,”

With that, surprising everyone, Remus began to cry himself.

“and I’m so _sorry_ to you, too, that I ever treated you like you were. I… I hope you can forgive me, and no matter what happens, you both _deserve_ a seat at the table, just like the rest of us.”

Remus nearly curled in on himself, bringing his legs up to his chest and hugging the knees. He pressed his mouth into his arms to keep from sobbing and taking away from Patton’s still-going speech.

Janus watched him with a sad smile, hoping that even though Remus had told him to ‘leave him alone forever and ever’, he knew Janus stilled cared deeply for him. He nodded in affirmation, and Remus began to tremble with his held-back sobs.

When a white-sleeved hand reached out to awkwardly soothe him, Remus screwed his eyes shut and did his best to continue and keep his sobs quiet. Janus looked to Roman, stunned, and found him watching Remus with almost the same guilty expression he’d given Patton. 

“Logan, I…” Patton’s voice broke as another cry came out, but Patton swallowed and continued, “We… _I_ have continuously pushed you away, and, and, _not_ _listened_ to you, and _silenced_ you, and I am so, so _sorry_.” Logan sat frozen as he watched Patton go on, and it appeared that if anyone simply blew in his direction, he’d shatter and no longer be the serious ‘Logic’ he was trying to be. “I… I love listening to you. I _promise_. I love hearing what you have to say, and about what you’re interested in,” The only tell Logan gave was his lips as he mashed them together, and everyone could see the building mist in his eyes, “and the idea that I _ever_ caused you to believe otherwise, or that I ever continued to make you think you had to be this… machine instead of yourself, or that you weren’t allowed to have feelings or beliefs of your own or… I… _I’m sorry, Logan_.”

“Roman,” Patton started, turning to him next.

When Janus turned to look at him as well, he could see Roman looking back with a sad, yet unidentifiable look on his face. It seemed a million emotions were working through him at once.

“I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to forgive me for what I did,” Patton’s voice broke once more, “but I’m _sorry_. I can’t say it _enough_. Over and over again, you’ve given us everything just to make us happy, just to live up to an impossible standard _I never meant to set_ , and I – I made you feel _guilty_ for _wanting_ something when it’s in your _nature_ to want it. You… you’re _allowed_ to want something different from me. Or Logan, or Virgil. _Or,_ the _same_ thing as Janus, or Remus. You can _want_ things, and you should never feel guilty for wanting to do them, especially – ” Patton had to look up at the ceiling, a rush of more tears pouring down his face, “especially when you’ve done almost _everything_ _we’ve asked of_ _you_. And, and then,” Patton cried, “And _then_ , I turned it back on you, and I tried to _chastise_ you for doing what you thought I _wanted_ in the first place. I… I… Roman, I _gaslit_ you, and you don’t have to forgive me, _ever_ , but please know that I am _so, so, so sorry_.”

When it came to Virgil, Patton didn’t look directly at him.

It burned Virgil to see the effects of what he’d done, the fact that Patton couldn’t even _look_ at him, just kept his eyes glued to an empty stair near him.

“Virgil, I know you’ve been feeling uncertain lately. I know that your anxiety has made you afraid of what’s to come, and that you might not belong here with us still, but _you do_.” Virgil let the tears start falling, not caring if they saw. Patton deserved that from him, the honesty. He felt so _dumb_ , looking at it now. Patton saw exactly why he was upset, Patton demonstrated his true ‘dad’ abilities and showed that he knew why Virgil behaved the way he did, and in the face of that, Virgil couldn’t believe he ever let that fear control him into doing _this_. “ _You do_ , and you _always will_. Things might change but that’s all right, we’ll _always_ need you, and _I’ll always love you_ , and I’m… I’m _sorry_ I didn’t come tell you that sooner, Virgil.”

Now, Patton closed his eyes. “I… I _know_ I haven’t been the best. I know that I’ve continued to mess _everything_ up _time, and time again_ , and that I continue to _hurt_ you all _time, and time again_ , and I’m _sorry_.” Another sob let out, “I… I want to be what you all need, I just want to be good enough for all of you, and I’m trying _so hard_ , and I can _never_ get it right. I keep _trying my best_ and I always fail, but I _promise_ I’ll keep trying, and _maybe_ I’ll get there one day, but for now I promise _with all my heart_ that I will try to be deserving of your friendship and love in return, because I just _love and care about_ you all _so much_ , and I…” Patton trailed off, his sobs now taking over again, and he shoved his face back into the blanket.

The ensuing silence was the heaviest any of them had ever felt.

_What had they done?_

“Patton,” Thomas cried, voice hoarse with emotion, “Patton, you _are good enough_.”

A painful, broken sob sounded from Patton at the words. He kept his face hidden in his blanket-hands.

“Patton, I…” Roman spoke, “ _I forgive you_.”

Another sob wracked through Patton, and Roman almost unconsciously responded by letting out a soft cry of his own as he continued. “And _I’m sorry_. Yes, I feel like…” Roman trailed off to look to Thomas, hesitating on what he was about to say.

“Go ahead, Roman. Say whatever you need to.” Thomas told him.

Roman took a deep breath and started again. “I feel like, sometimes, I get… frustrated, because I don’t know why I’m here if I am not listened to,” Roman admitted. Logan, in his spot, finally moved from his statue-still pose to look at Roman with glistening eyes reflecting not only curiosity but understanding. “I mean, I’m your creativity, Thomas – ” Roman paused, and his eyes followed his arm all the way to his brother, eyes still closed and still crying. “Well, I’m half of it.”

Remus eyes snapped open, and he watched Roman like it was a trick. Like it was a lie. Like he was going to laugh and take it back any moment now. But when Roman did no such thing, and smiled sadly to him, eyes filled with tears and years worth of apologies, Remus silently latched onto him and didn’t let go. Roman didn’t let him go, either.

“But any high expectations I feel I don’t live up to do not fall squarely on _your_ shoulders, Pat. It…” Now Roman looked and met Logan’s eyes, “It’s also everyone else’s expectations. And… my _own_. You can’t carry all that on _your_ shoulders because it’s not all yours to carry. Along with any choices that I’ve made which inevitably cause my own suffering… you might have had influence in those situations, but so did everyone, and so did I, and at the end of it all, the choices that I made were my own. I’m sorry I blamed you for them.” Roman went to wipe at his eyes. “I hope you can also forgive me, because I could _never_ hate you, Patton… to be quite honest, I have missed you _so much_.” He laughed softly, seemingly at himself, and continued to wipe his eyes with the hand that wasn’t wrapped around his brother.

Logan suddenly took a deep inhale through his nose, causing everyone to look to him, and he spoke next. “Patton, it does… make me happy that you would say that,” He admitted. “to be honest, I… wish to hear it more often. But, as you all know, I have _trouble_ … _explaining_ my feelings.” He took another deep breath and let his shoulders drop their tension. “Sometimes… I wish everything were simple. The way I view the world is through _facts_ and _truths_ , and whenever something unexplainable or new happens, it… throws me off-balance. For me, the unexplainable things are emotions.”

He unconsciously cocked his head slightly, his eyes looking everywhere on the floor as he tried to carefully put his thoughts into words. “A fact is that I wish to be listened to more often – I am _afraid_ of being ignored, but the unexplainable is _why_? … I cannot explain _why_ I have this fear, and that makes it, and every other thing I can’t explain, so _utterly frustrating_. I _want_ to understand them. _I want to understand everything_ , and the fact that it continues to evade me only worsens my state.” Now, he looked back up at Patton, even if Patton’s face was still hidden in his hands. “However, it would be unfair of me to say that it is solely _I_ who is not listened to. It’s not right of me, and it never has been, to put down or insult any of you whenever…” Logan sighed and quirked his lips as if it were something he didn’t want to openly admit, “Whenever _I don’t get my way_. It’s not right to silence you and at the same time, wish you wouldn’t silence me. Especially when you’re listening to me right now. So, I’m sorry.”

Janus watched him run his hand through his hair, similar to his own action earlier.

“A couple weeks ago, I lost my temper with you not only because I’d been sleeping, but because I’d had a nightmare. That is no excuse, of course, but I hope it aids in explaining my actions… I implied that you were not important,” Logan’s voice, shocking everyone, started to break, and a few tears started to fall, breaking his composure, “and that you were unhealthy. I was wrong. I was _wrong_ , and I didn’t realize how badly my words would cause you to feel. Patton, I… I have a _deep_ regard for you, along with the rest of you, and that is unexplainable, but it is true. _I’m sorry, Patton._ I hope you can forgive me.”

“Pat.” Virgil spoke. His voice was wavering, tears already pouring. “Pat, _please_ look at me.”

Patton moved his hands from his face but didn’t turn his head.

“I _can’t_.” He breathed.

Suddenly, Virgil was standing, and suddenly, he was there, hugging Patton.

“I’m _sorry_.” He cried. “ _Please,_ Patton, I’m _so sorry_. I – _I don’t hate you_! I could _never_ hate you, and I’m _so sorry_ I ever said I did.”

Janus could see Thomas’s face as it became one of shock, staring at Virgil like he’d been betrayed. “Virgil, _you_ …”

“ _I didn’t mean it_.” Virgil answered. “I didn’t… _I could never mean it_. Please forgive me, Patton. _I love you_.”

Patton let out another heartbreaking sob, wrapping his arms around Virgil in return and grabbing on to the back of his hoodie for dear life. The way they sat, Patton’s face was in his chest, and Virgil rested his head on top of Patton’s, now facing Janus. When he opened his eyes, they made eye contact, and when Janus offered him a peaceful, teary-eyed smile, Virgil returned it.

Abruptly, Remus all but tackled them, worming his way to where he was wrapping his arms around Patton’s middle.

Then, Roman and Logan, who walked over and shared the space behind Patton’s back. Roman wrapped his arms around Patton’s middle as well, just like Remus had, and Logan rested his head on Patton’s shoulder while his hand rubbed soothingly at Patton’s leg.

Thomas scooted in between Roman and Remus, mirroring Logan to the best of his ability.

Patton sobbed, and continued to sob for a long while. He was like a dam that had been broken, and everything he’d been holding in was now out, and flooding the room, but none of them minded. They would wade the waters until he was ready, and then they’d help build him again, and they’d be glad to do it every step of the way.

“ _We love you too, Patton_.” Thomas said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! i really hope i did each character justice and handled them well! ahhh i hope you liked it!! :')
> 
> (ps an extra cookie to whoever spots my random mr peabody and sherman reference)


	13. Epilogue

A few weeks later, everything wasn’t quite back to normal, but it was getting there.

Janus, Remus, and Virgil had some private discussions about their pasts with one another and how it affected their future together.

Remus and Roman did the same.

_Thomas_ and Remus had had a long, arduous talk about who Remus was and why he was there. The more they’d talked, the more Thomas realized Remus wasn’t evil – like Patton had said – he was just… misunderstood. Yes, he could be harmful given too much power or listened to too often, but… so could any of them. They’d learned that all the way back when they’d accepted Virgil, and Thomas and the other sides found that it applied again with Janus, and again now with Remus.

So, Remus had been accepted, and his green door was now next to Janus’s at the end of the hall.

Every side helped Patton personally get better while Thomas worked on practicing self-care that would benefit both himself and Patton, under instruction of Janus.

Janus and Logan worked together to decide what he should be doing to get better, or if he shouldn’t be doing something for the fear of getting worse. For example, at first they (along with everyone else) agreed that Patton shouldn’t be near the stove anymore in case he were to collapse or faint and accidentally harm himself again. Last week, that had changed to that he probably would be fine around the oven again, but they wanted a side to be there with him when he used it, just in case – and that was fine with Patton! It just meant more cooking together.

They also decided Patton should stay in Janus’s room for the time being. Patton didn’t mind that at all, though, as Janus’s room was peaceful to him, and his heat lamp not only served to aid in warming him up when he was worse off, but now it was just comfy to sleep under.

Janus and Logan additionally kept care of his burns, and since they were first-degree, they had already healed and left no scarring.

Roman and Virgil were hardly ever away from him now, almost as if they were making up for lost time. If it wasn’t both of them, then it was one, and they refused to treat him like anything other than royalty for a few days, which only embarrassed Patton. At the same time, as long as he got to hang out with them again, everything was fine with him.

If Remus wasn’t gifting Patton art, he was showing it to him. Sometimes, especially if he seemed to be having a hard day with his thoughts, he would seek Patton out simply to sit with him in the same room while he drew. Even if he decided to draw out his intrusive thoughts to try and get them to stop instead of something he knew Patton would like better, Patton never chastised him for it, and Remus loved him for that.

Thomas started hosting more fam-ILY nights. Sometimes they’d play board games, sometimes video games, and sometimes they’d watch movies.

Patton had noticed that when it came to Remus and Roman, he was glad they were spending more time together. Just like the ‘Dark Sides’ trio, everything wasn’t perfect, and it hardly ever was one-hundred percent easy, but Remus and Roman seemed to just balance each other out. Of course, they were _literally_ two halves of the same concept, but it was still nice to see.

That morning, when Patton awoke, it was from peaceful sleep and with a soft smile on his face.

Yawning, he sat up and rubbed at his eyes. Reaching over to Janus’s nightstand, he grabbed his glasses, but was confused when he felt something else there underneath them. After he’d put them on his face, he saw that Janus had already awoke and wasn’t in the room with him, and what had been underneath his glasses was a sticky-note.

It had his name on it.

Curious, Patton picked it up and brought it closer to his face to read it.

“ _Patton: Please join us in the living room, we wish to talk with you. – Everyone._ ”

Patton froze.

They… wanted to talk with him? Everyone, together? Why?

Had something happened? Had he done something wrong?

~~Again?~~

Clutching the note in his now trembling hands, Patton took a deep breath for four seconds, held it for seven, and released it for eight.

It was probably fine, right?

Standing from the bed and walking to the door, Patton had to practice the breathing exercise once more. He steeled himself for whatever was to come and walked out into the hallway.

He instantly could smell something cooking.

He assumed it must be around lunchtime since he hadn’t checked his phone for the time. Janus must be cooking food for the others in his stead. Patton smiled – it smelled good, whatever it was.

He could hear them all talking from his spot in the hallway, and he felt the nervousness rise in him again.

He started to imagine the worst scenarios possible, everything that could go wrong and everything they could be mad at him for.

After standing there for a few solid seconds, Patton decided that pushing it off was only making him feel worse, so he marched forward on to the living room.

When he got there, he was _stunned_.

“Happy Father’s Day!” Everyone except Logan shouted. From where he stood next to a giant blue cake, he fondly rolled his eyes.

There were streamers and balloons everywhere they could possibly be hung, and a giant banner on the wall that read ‘Happy Father’s Day’ on it, with _obvious_ painted-on details courtesy of Roman and Remus. The food he’d smelled was nearly all of his absolute favorites, sitting on the counter, along with a heap of chocolate chip cookies and the bright blue cake Logan was standing next to. From where he stood, he could see the cake read ‘#1 Dad’ on it.

He started to tear up.

“No, Patton, please don’t cry!” Thomas laughed, walking over to hug him in greeting and comfort.

Patton laughed right back, “I thought you all were mad at me.” He admitted.

“See?! I _told_ you all it wasn’t just me about that note!” He heard Virgil exclaim from the couch.

“Too late now!” Remus chirped. When Thomas let him go, Remus shouted, “I call dibs!” and hugged him next, unintentionally starting the hug-train.

After Remus was Roman, then Virgil, then Logan, and finally, Janus.

“Patton, _please_ say that you’re hungry, because Janus said we weren’t allowed to start eating without you, and I am _starving_.” Roman told him, dramatically sighing and wrapping his arms around his stomach, falling into him so that Patton would have to catch him, making Patton giggle.

“Yes! It all smells _delicious_!” Patton replied, pushing Roman up so he could walk over and nab one of the cookies.

“ _Cookies_ and cake typically come after the meal.” Logan said pointedly.

Patton shushed him, dropping crumbs.

“Let’s eat!” Thomas cheered. “And after that, we can give you your gifts.”

“Gifts?” Patton asked. “Why gifts?”

“Because we love you.” Janus told him simply. “And you deserve them.”

“And it’s Father’s Day.” Logan added.

“And _you’re_ Daddy!” Remus hollered.

“Remus,” Roman playfully shoved at him. When Remus playfully shoved back, the two started an all out wrestling match in the living room while everyone else started getting a plate of food.

While they ate, they watched Lilo and Stitch, which was one of Patton’s all-time favorites. When they finished, Patton walked over to the cake and started to cut the first slice, when Remus yelled, “Wait!”

“…What is it?” Patton asked.

Everyone except Remus and Roman went to stand on the same side of the counter as him, while the twins stood on the other.

“They wrote a Father’s Day song, and they demand that they sing it.” Logan supplied, doing his best to look done with their shenanigans, but everyone could see the fond smile at the corner of his mouth.

Roman and Remus not only sang their song, they _performed_ it, surprising absolutely no one.

When they were (finally) finished, everyone enjoyed some cake and cookies, and continued where they left off on Lilo and Stitch. When the movie finished, everyone decided it was Present Time™, no matter how bashful Patton got about it.

From Logan he received a baby blue mug with a minimalistic design of one line that became a whole picture – it read “kit-tea-cat” and became cat ears near the top.

From Janus he received an empty recipe book, meant to fill in himself with all his recipes so Janus could ‘totally _not_ steal them and call them his own’.

From Virgil he received a handmade and hand-decorated mix CD titled ‘#1 Dad’, just like it said on the cake. Virgil had burned the songs onto the CD himself and wrote the track list on the back of the case.

Thomas had made him a friendship bracelet, which he didn’t feel very confident in, but Patton absolutely _loved_ it.

When Remus shoved his towards Patton, he saw it was _big_. Upon opening it, he found it was a carved bust of his head. He didn’t say it to Remus, but despite the obvious talent put into it, it _was_ a bit unsettling to see himself smiling back at him like this.

“Is it good? Did I do good?” Remus asked him.

“Yes, Remus,” Patton laughed, “I love it.”

“Awesome! Now, open _Roman’s_!”

As he was handed Roman’s gift to open, everyone started watching him a little more intently. Apparently, this one was important to them.

Moving the wrapping paper revealed a scrapbook.

Decorated to the nines on the cover in everything he loved, it was _also_ titled ‘#1 Dad’.

“Just in case you ever forgot.” Janus told him.

Upon opening it up, Patton saw that every other page was designed and decorated by a separate side. Filled with memories and even drawings on some pages, Patton couldn’t help but start to cry.

“Thank you guys.” He told them, wiping at his eyes.

When everyone piled in to hug him this time, it was happy, and wholesome, and with everyone laughing.

“Happy Father’s Day, Pat,” Thomas told him again. “We love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so MUCH for reading this and all the love and support you've given me!! It means the literal WORLD.
> 
> I hope the ending lived up to everyone's expectations and that you liked it!!! :')
> 
> Also! Fun Fact: The title, and overall story really, was originally inspired by the song "Trying My Best" by Anson Seabra, and this epilogue was inspired by (and I personally consider this song the theme song of this chapter) "Appreciated" by Rixton! I really recommend you give them a listen to if you want! :')
> 
> Also y'all have literally made me so happy and it's been so fun to talk to y'all in the comments so I'm being completely serious when I say do you want to be my friend? Come find me on tumblr @pastelsuperhero and be my friend/mutual cause y'all rock :'D

**Author's Note:**

> I have a tumblr if anyone is interested! @PastelSuperhero :)


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